“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column specially designed to help UB students. So, if you have no one else to turn to, and I mean absolutely no one, drop off your question in our personals mailbox. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: When I masturbate, or “whack off,” I like to tie a rope around my neck. Somehow my roommate believes that I’m suicidal. He thinks I should seek counseling. But I’m too afraid that they’ll put me someplace I don’t want to go. What should I do?
K: Are you placing yourself or anyone else in danger? If the answer is no, then there is no need to change your behavior to appease your roommate. However, to ensure that he does not force you into therapy or support groups, tell him that you thought it over and decided that he was right, and now you beat your meat like the average Joe Schmoe. After that, go buy some rope and have fun.
In the future, try to refrain from discussing your weird BD/SM habits at parties and dinner, or at least lock your door. To prevent another ugly confrontation, keep your masturbation rituals to yourself.
S: Former lead singer of INXS, Michael Hutchence, died doing stuff like that. Consider yourself sexually glamorous and maybe Australian.
Q: Why should I ask for advice? Shouldn’t I just stop being a whining bitch, grow a spine, and solve my own problems?
S: What? After all we’ve been through you’d walk out on Kristin and I like that? Come on, just take a look at our biggest fans, they are all whiny bitches with no spines. See: Mike at The Spectrum
Q: I have a crush on one of my teachers. Something about her drives me crazy. What should I do?
K: Don’t do anything at all—that is, until you have received your final grade. After that, try to contact her and ask if you may see her sometime. However, if she’s the slightest bit intelligent she will not risk destroying her reputation by getting involved with a student, so don’t invest too much time in pursuing her. But, if she does accept your invitation, attempt to retract it. You are only bound to suffer through immature emotional bullshit, endless bitching about sacrifices she made so the two of you could be together, and the daily pressure to “settle down and start a family.” Better yet, go to the bars, find some 17-year-old slut, and ask if she wants to see your dorm room. This should remind you how much you don’t want to bang a real life grown-up.
S: I say go for it. If you succeed and do ending up getting with your teacher, or better yet fathering her child, just keep telling yourself how many made-for-TV movie marketing dollars you’ll be getting your hands on.
Q: How can I get my girlfriend into a threesome with another girl without getting smacked?
K: I doubt she’ll smack you, that is unless you phrase the question, “Hey honey, how about a threesome so I have an opportunity to bang your best friend?” As long as you omit the true objectives (screwing other chicks, watching her screw other chicks, telling your friends about screwing multiple chicks) she will not inflict physical pain. However, I cannot make any guarantees on the silent treatment, her suggesting a threesome with two men, in-depth and obnoxious discussions about your relationship, or worse.
S: Ask the old, crazy karate guy. I hear he macks all sorts of bitches into threesomes.
Q: I have this friend of mine. Every time we go to a party, she gets wasted. Why does she fuck herself up? Does she enjoy puking or something? Or does she enjoy the attention she gets?
K: Shit, I don’t know. If she’s like any other normal college girl out there, she probably just likes to get drunk because it’s fun.
S: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Paper covers rock.
Q: Boxers or briefs?
K: Boxer briefs.
S: Remember that Whack-a-Mole game they used to have at the arcades? That was a good fucking time.
Disclaimer: We don’t really know what we’re talking about. Do not take anything we say too seriously. We are not responsible if you are hurt, maimed, or dismembered by the advice we give you.