“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column specially designed to help UB students. So if you have no one else to turn to, and I mean absolutely no one, drop off your question in our personals mailbox. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: If JAPs weren’t Jewish, would they still give good head?

K: This is an interesting question. Well, let’s see. If somehow a JAP (Jewish American Princess) became a CAP (Catholic American Princess), would her oral sex skills diminish? Would they improve?

Chances are, the CAP would cream (no pun intended) the JAP in a dick-sucking contest due to fundamental Catholic beliefs. According to the Catholic Church, sexual intercourse must be confined to marriage; therefore, many unwed Catholics practice oral sex instead of vaginal sex. In fact, a recent study published in USNews revealed that Catholic teens who take that bullshit virginity pledge freely suck dick because they feel as though they will satisfy their boyfriends, the church, and that stupid contract they signed. So based on that evidence, a CAP may have been honing her knob slobbin’ skills since age 13 on a daily basis, while a JAP may have moved on to hard-core fucking by age 15.

Let us explore oral sex with a LAP (Lutheran American Princess). Much like a CAP, the preservation of one’s virginity is advocated, but not exactly enforced, as the church also condones the use of birth control (please don’t send me 3,000 letters about this, I got this information from my mom). Therefore, a LAP may have sucked some major dick, then stopped when she hit college because she realized that her parents live six hours away, guys will go down on her first, and she lives in a single. So, it is quite possible that by senior year, a LAP will pull the ol’ “thanks babe, that was great. Wow! Is it 10:30 already? I’m tired, good night honey.”

But in any case, what it all comes down to is how drunk the girl is, not her faith. Hey, if you close your eyes, it all feels the same, so why discriminate and miss out on a perfectly good opportunity to blow a load in something other than your sock?

S: Let’s not forget the SAP (Scientologist American Princess) girls. That’s some terrible head. Some girl’s going down on you, half sucking your cock, half blabbering about how great John Travolta was in Battlefield Earth. So by default, as soon as I hear about Travolta, I think about Welcome Back Kotter, and the last thing I want to think about during a blowjob is Gabe Kaplan.

Q: Would buying my girlfriend a vibrator be a thoughtful or offensive thing to do?

K: I think buying a vibrator is a very thoughtful thing to do; just make sure it is a nice one, modest, and without too many bells and whistles. As long as you don’t buy her some huge 15-inch dildo, she will not take offense to your present. In fact, she is afraid that you may become offended by her using a vibrator. Chances are she owns one and has not yet told you about it because it might make you feel inferior, or that your services are no longer needed. Let’s face it, as a human, you are subject to some limitations; you cannot glow in the dark, nor vibrate. So once she figures out that you fully support vibrator usage, she will be more open to actually using it with you, and if you’re lucky, even trying new things. So go ahead and buy one, wrap it up in nice wrapping paper and attach a card.

S: Don’t buy your girlfriend any sort of gum or a toothbrush. They hate oral hygiene.

Q: There is this one hot chick in my UGC 211 class, but she always sits next to a group of gay guys. How do I pull her away to say “Hi” and then fuck her?

K: Do not interrupt her during class only to hit on her. There is nothing more annoying than trying to take notes while some asshole behind you stares down your pants and makes perverse comments about your underwear. So don’t. Sit near her and talk to her BEFORE or AFTER class, NOT DURING. I cannot stress this enough. Do not bother her during class time; she will hate you when she gets a C- on the midterm.

Next, be a fucking man and ask the girl out. Do not ask her to meet you out at the bar on Thursday, or figure out where she’s going every weekend and mystically appear at the same place. Wait until AFTER class, get her alone, and ask if she wants to go out some time. And by out, I mean physically driving to her house, getting out of the car, and knocking on the door. Do not beep the horn or call her from the driveway to let her know you are there. And “out” entails a full dinner including appetizers, drinks, desert, and not getting drunk. Girls really like the whole “date” thing, and several “dates” in a row will almost certainly lead to “fucking.”

S Buy her a vibrator, and tell her you haven’t been laid since last spring and that your cat recently died. The combination of vibrator and pity might work.