Girls Kissing
Gary: The new 10-Point plan to help smokers quit is awesome. Raising the excise tax from $.39 to $2.39 will certainly tell people that they should just smoke crack instead. It’s sure as hell cheaper, anyway. The best part of the plan is the estimated $14 billion in proceeds will go toward paying for the various aspects of the plan. Is it just me, or is this the most ridiculous plan you’ve ever heard? $14 billion dollars just to raise the tax $2? Doesn’t this seem contradictory? Their solution for those physically craving nicotine is to call their 24-hour “quitline,” as an operator, what the hell are you supposed to say to that?
Scott: Like this, maybe:
Operator: Thanks for calling the “Quitline, how can I help you?”
Smoker:Ihaven’thadacigaretteinfourteenminutesbutI’mtryingtoquitbut
I’mgonnastartstabbingeverythinginsightifIcan’tgetmyhandsonsome
nicotinemajorleaguebaseball.
Operator: Whoa. Take it easy, bra. I’m gonna help you through this.
Smoker: But I’m probably gonna stab you too.
Operator: Stab who?
Smoker: Stab you.
Operator: Me?
Smoker: Stab everybody. I’ll probably stab the people you handle.
Operator: What? Who do I handle?
Smoker: I’m sorry.
Scott: I’d imagine that’s how it goes down.
Gary: Yeah that sounds pretty accurate. You know what’s not accurate? Andy Delmore’s shot. That bitch couldn’t shoot the puck in the net if it were the size of Anna Nicole’s right breast. I mean what did she eat before she lost like 28 pounds in a week, Jared from Subway? And what’s with this Atkin’s phenomenon? The guy practically dies from his own diet and suddenly everyone wants to die to? Do you really want to die over sausage wrapped in bacon?
Scott: Atkins cracked his skull on a the icy sidewalks of New York. That’s how he died. Anyhow, let’s talk about same-sex marriages. Here’s what I don’t get, the staunch opponents are saying homosexuals marriages are going to ruin the sanctity of marriage. Sanctity of marriage? What the fuck? Fox has been marrying people to strangers, animals, street signs, and imaginary objects and laughing all the way to the bank while doing it. And gay people who actually want to get married (mind you people who want to get married for the sanctity of it and not just to be on prime time TV are usually pretty sincere about) are calling out sanctity? Fuck that. The ideals of marriage got thrown out the window years ago. Blaming it on gays now is petty, irresponsible, and to me, insane.
Gary: Is that what you said to Tim Meehan? Kid asks you to marry him and you rant about Fox and street signs. You broke his heart, asshole.
Scott: "Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman," President George Bush said in a statement. "If activist judges insist on redefining marriage by court order, the only alternative will be the constitutional process. We must do what is legally necessary to defend the sanctity of marriage." He’s blazing the threats now. C’mon, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Joe Millionaire, Average Joe, Married by America, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, and Who Wants to Marry My Dad? are acceptable examples of the sanctity of marriage, but gay couples who want to get married for all the right reasons are to quote Bush, deeply troubling? Not having it.
Gary: Those shows are pure and honest and you know it. You forgot to mention the importance of The Newly Weds Nick & Jessica and Carmen & Dave. Watching Nick tell Jessica Scarface has romance and a lot of kissing in it just to get her to watch it is extremely telling of the married life. I’m learning how to disrespect and undermine my woman. Thanks Nick Lachey. Besides, it sounds like you have a hidden agenda going on here.
Scott: Maybe I do, maybe I do…..
