RETURN TO NORMALCY DECLARED!
In a radical militant coup, Age-Group Magazine editor Ncsott Hoffmeir has seized power from Baby Pretendperson. Baby was the democratically elected Editor In Chief of Age-Group, the University at Amherst (UA) student magazine and Hoffmeir’s one-time mistress. Upon assuming control of Age-Group, Hoffmeir declared that he had effected a, “Return to normalcy,” and “struck a lethal blow to fascist evil doing bastards.”
The succession of mitigating circumstances that lead up to what will forever be known in UA lore as ‘the event’ was both rapid and violent yet at the same time tragic.
Hoffmeir printed a story alleging sinister corruption in the Association of Students’ (AS) “WIN A TRIP (in a 1988 Dodge) DAYTONA.” The Age-Group expose claimed that the marketing camping mislead students into thinking that they were winning a trip to Daytona Fl. In reality it was a trip in a 1988 Dodge Daytona, once around campus.
AS President George Paper ordered an inquiry headed by Senator Nottuhay to investigate Hoffmeir’s controversial claim in Age-Group Magazine. The now infamous Nottuhay Inquiry concluded that Age-Group was, “In wanton disrespect of all journalistic cannons of ethics in publishing the tell all expose.”
However, the senator was overheard at his tanning bed stating that Age-Group was correct in its assertion that AS top officials were involved in a corruption scandal. The senator was also overheard saying that because he and Paper were old Cayman Island Store Inc. friends, he is going to let it go.
Paper concluded that that the investigation was enough to warrant funding freeze to Age-Group. Although Paper quickly recanted when an aid reminded him that he already cut the fledgling magazine’s funding on a whim after getting real drunk.
The Age-Group coup involved lots of yelling and screaming and even some flared nostrils. According to brand spankin’ new UA President Homer J. Simpson the coup was “just a blatant example of what is wrong with today’s youth, and I for one blame ‘the pot.’”
Hoffmeir claims that he seized power because he had heard a roomer that Baby is a fascist. An Age-Group insider -that wishes to remain anonymous- told us that, “The roomer was that Baby was facile, you know easy, not a fascist.”
Despite this obvious political blunder, Hoffmeir issued a press photo of him in his underground bunker and statement claiming “ Baby is a real crazy chick that screwed a lot of shit up around campus, and a preemptive coup was necessary due to a clear and present danger to the University. But now I have issued in a return to normalcy. Die fascist bastards!”
When Baby was reached for comment at her Paris villa, she said, “Ain’t nothing never was normal.”
For Generation Magazine I’m, Persona non-Memento
