“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help UB students. So if you have no one else to turn to, and I mean absolutely no one, drop off your question in our personals mailbox. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: Scott Frauenhofer is the man. How can I be more like him?

M: In my experience Scott doesn’t really like when people are “like him”. In fact Scott doesn’t really like when you stand to close to him, or talk to him to much. I think Scott would prefer if you acted like yourself around him.Plus if you get to close to him his girlfriend may maul you.

S: It’ll be tough to be more like him, but here’s ten tips that’ll get you started:

1) Move downtown. Claim to enjoy lack of parking, ambulances driving down your street at 2a.m.

2) Put your left arm as far behind your head as possible. It’s optimal for your left elbow to be as close to your right ear as possible. Make seizure-like movements at strangers.

3) Roll with Gary Huber. Or, if Gary is unavailable, roll with Jesus Christ our lord and savior.

4) To be more like Scott, you need to be a terrible pool player, and an even worse dart thrower, but you always want to play.

5) Listen to nothing but hip-hop. Use this quote: “You’ve just gotta listen to ‘Domestic Violence’ off of the first Bobby Digital album once in a while. It helps me calm down.”

6) Eat some of the most terribly unhealthy, non-nutritious food you can get your hands on. Gain no weight. Actually, lose weight without doing anything. Look sickly with ribs sticking out. Complain.

7) Denounce most video games, but not matter what you are still damn near unbeatable when playing the original Tecmo Bowl on Nintendo.

8) Look like you were just hit by a truck every time you wakeup.

9) Scott’s idea of a fun time can be summed up in two words: Crime spree.

10) If you’ve got any questions you can refer to Scott himself at the Generation office, 645-6131.

Q: Is it normal to have a girlfriend that wants it doggy style all the time?

M: In sex there is no normal. Different girls like it in different positions. In the 1950’s scientist studied where the nerves were on the vaginas of 20 different female cadavers. Their findings showed that each vagina’s nerves where in different places. Some were all in the clitoris, some had a concentraition of nerves in the labia, others only had their nerves in their vaginal canal. So there is a good chance that your girlfriend’s sensitive parts lay farther in the back of her vagina.

S: I’m going to turn this question to my good friend, and father of 13 (actually, anybody with 13 kids should be answering all of these sex questions), Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Take it Dirt Dog.

ODB: Yaaaaaggihhdsf. Big Baby Jesus I can’t wait, yo fuck that I can’t wait! Yeah, it sounds normal to me. Does she need Dirty to come over and put some babies inside her?

Q: I’ve slept with a bunch of bar sluts in the last month and now I’ve got a rash, down there...what should I do?

M: You should probably call 829-3316 and make an appointment at the Student Health Center in Michael Hall. I would make a phone call to all your sexual partners and inform them of your problem...if you can remember who they are. And you should probably not have sex with ANYONE until you see a doctor.

S: Nothing a little flea soap and some scrubbing won’t take care off. Dirt?

ODB: Yeahhhharhrhrhhr? My rashes is, like, the size of panama. That never stopped me from, uhhh, I’d like to give a shoutout to Generation Magazine for letting me do this shit. Pay me. Arhhhhahaherh.

Direct all of your advice needs to:

sbi-generation-advice@buffalo.edu