ďIím Right. Youíre Wrong.Ē is an advice column especially designed to help UB students. So if you have no one else to turn to, and I mean absolutely no one, drop off your question in our personals mailbox. If youíre lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: Dear Team, How can I guarantee no ďcling-onsĒ when I take a dump at my girlfriendís apartment? Sometimes wiping just doesnít do the trick.
M: Iíll give you the same advice my grandmother gave me the first time I went to sleepaway camp. You should carry a small case of baby wipes (wet toilet paper is not always used for babies) So when the toleit paper is leaving your ass crack kind of rough just break out the pre-moistened wipe, give yourself a wiping and you should be good to go.
S: Thatís tough. I guess if your girlfriend was homeless you really would never have to deal with the apartment thing. Arson, bro.
Q: I have three testicles and I gave one of them a nickname. Is that weird?
M: Generally I think that people who name parts of their body, love naming parts on their body. People who donít, think that naming their body parts is really disturbing. I guess you are the first kind of person I described. Thats fine. Itís perfectly normal to name your body parts.
S: Itís not really weird. It is kind of weird. Itís not ďHey, I can only achieve an erection if I get punched in the face during foreplay!Ē weird, but itís definitelty Hoobastank weird.
Q: Dear Scott, Your tounge & my ball = name a price.
M: Scott thats all you.
S: You couldnít afford me sweetheart.
Q:Why are guys turned on so much by the Asian fetish thing?
M: Since I am neither male or turned on by Asian chicks I cannot give you an answer for sure. However, the word on the street is that Asian chicks are seen as the ultimate prudes. I also have heard that when a make takes a womanís virginity he is ďthe man.Ē So a guy screwing an Asian chick, the ultimate prude, taking her virginity=HE IS THE MAN. Which then means, inside his head, that he can fuck any chick he wants. And he wants an Asian.
S: Most of us boys have some fascination or another with the ďYellow FeverĒ because itís new, itís mysterious, itís exciting. We grow up with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and 8-Bit Nintendo games, by the time we reach college our collective view of Asia is so distorted we donít know what to make of it. So we urge to explore and learn new things. And wear kimonos.
Q: What happens when youíre caught reading Visions in public? Do you say youíre reading it just for laughs?
M: I have to admit, I read Visions as well. I donít read it to see whats going in SA, I usually read it to make fun of the stupid 3D titles and to make fun of how many exclamation points George Pape uses in his edit notes. Lately, Visions has also been informing the students on all the helpful services Sub Board I offers. Thanks Visions! So donít be embarrassed when you are caught reading Visions, just make sure you start ripping it apart as soon as someone sees you reading it.
S: The thing about Visions is you should take some sort of pride in reading it. Just like Generation and The Spectrum, Visions is just another hack publication you cut a check for. So pick up a copy whenever it comes out. Call the staff and tell them they do impeccable work. Write a letter to the editor. Show your parents. Read it to the blind or illiterate. Read it to a stray dog. Itís an interesting rag, so make the most of it. (Iím lie through my teeth.)
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