Okay. Imagine the year is 1997. Britain gives Hong Kong back to China. The Mars Pathfinder becomes the first probe to land on the red planet. Princess Diana dies in a car accident. Aqua releases their hit single “Barbie Girl” to radio stations and clubs everywhere. Yes, 1997 was quite a year. In fact, someone somewhere loved 1997 so much that they wanted to bring it all back for us. In the year 2004, that person met with another bunch of people who really loved 1997 and that person said, “You know what was awesome? Jock Jams.” Everyone in the room agreed. Jock Jams was really awesome.

“You know what would be even better?”

Everyone looked at each other in bewilderment. Surely nothing could be better than Jock Jams.

“Jock Jams 2: The After Party!”

The jaws hit the floor. This was a wonderful idea (for people who love 1997, of course). Sure, Jock Jams got everyone pumped up during the game but afterwards, a real jock wants to go to the club, slam some beers, and get his fuck on. Since the “Jock Jams” title is already copyrighted, the fine people at Razor & Tie Records, decided “Fired Up!” would do just fine. So basically this CD is Jock Jams for sluts… and it’s fantastic!

Razor & Tie, responsible for such hit compilation albums as Kidz Bop 5 and Darrin’s Dance Grooves, has assembled quite a list of club hits for this masterpiece. Well, I mean, it’s quite a list if it was made five years ago. The album kicks off with a club hit from Melanie C. Yes, that is the same Melanie C from the Spice Girls. Nothing kicks off a CD of fresh dance hits like a terrible dance song released in 2000 from a singer of a washed up pop group.

“Around The World” by ATC should bring back some good memories of teen night at your local underage drinking establishment. I’ve sat listening to this song for a while trying to decipher any meaning in the lyrics at all. As if the hypnotic sounds of shitty dance music doesn’t have its affect already, the lyrics are telling you to just sit back and keep listening to the song. This seems like more of a psychological study than actual music.

I thought the song “The Bomb!” from The Bucketheads was worth mentioning because I asked myself, “Who the fuck are The Bucketheads?” I can tell you now that I could have done without ever finding out. There is only one line sang throughout the whole song and I have no clue what it says. It sounds kind of like “Please put a bullet through my body.” Okay stop for a second. I’m starting to notice something about club techno here. Not only is it terrible, but it’s starting to sound like it’s full of subliminal messages. The Bucketheads are telling you now to shoot someone and who knows? Tomorrow, they could tell you to kill the president. It’s really not that far fetched. They just soothe and hypnotize you with those repetitive beats so you’re in an altered state of consciousness.

I can think of a few songs that really get me “fired up”. How about Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear The Reaper” or Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer”? Those were pretty good ones. But this “Fired Up!” album, I just don’t know. This is like uncovering a time capsule of collected human shit from ten years ago and that’s not something I’m going to dance around to.