Gary: Gancing? What the hell is going on? Straight guys who dance with each other in order to get women? “One popular ‘gance step,’ reports ncbuy.com, “features one guy pretending to be a shark while his pal runs away in fright. Another manly move has the guys pretending to be kangaroos complete with pouches and Fosters beer.” Another gance step is to have one guy pretend to give birth to his friend. Dude, I don’t know about you, but I’m not pretending to live in a uterus. That job’s all yours, buddy.
Scott: I can’t begin to believe that the sight of one grown male giving birth to another in the middle of a nightclub could ever be considered sexy or evoke a come hitherness among the general female crowd. “Wow that’s fucking sexy,” she said.
Gary: But can’t you see Burt Bacharach and Lionel Richie enacting this? Or what if, after receiving surgery from a mad scientist, Newt Gingrich pops out of Dennis Rodman? You’re not seeing the potential here. I’m thinking gancers can implicate a blow dryer, a rake, and possibly a phone book to make the gance even sexier.
Scott: I’m not sure I want to talk about this anymore. I might vomit. I might vomit all of your shoes. Fuck ‘em.
Gary: My friend has a theory (the same one with the “Yao Ming Conspiracy”) worthy of being called “the Hitler Effect.” He thinks there should be a panel of judges who deem if a couple is aesthetically beautiful enough to have children (because beautiful people cannot possibly have ugly children). Those turned down, however, have a chance to plead to the judges by way of intelligence and quality of character.
Scott: So let’s look past everything that’s morally wrong with this insane proposition, and take a look at who gets to be a judge. Does your friend get dibs just because it’s his idea? What if he’s ugly? Besides, this reeks of corruption. I can see people getting carried away and looking for some underhanded deals when granting birth rights. Fuck ‘em.
Gary: He says if he’s considered ugly, he’ll accept the rule and move on. He concedes, however, that he is not ugly. Anyway, I’m not sure how judges would be appointed.
Scott: It would have to be by popular vote, say by reality television show. It would be called “Sexy Island Temptation Sex Land Sexy Sex Stuff For Whores and Penis Enlargement.”
Gary: Oh, I figured it out. The judges will have to be drunk. That way everyone’s beautiful and no one goes home alone. Which reminds me, a research group proved that doubling the cost of alcohol will decrease excessive drinking. They gotta be kidding me. There won’t be any more weird bathroom conversations between freshman with fake I.D.s that don’t know each other.
Scott: I had to go to the bathroom once at Bullfeather’s and there was two dudes, hammered, and the one says to the other: “I’m only 19, how old are you?”
“I’m 19, too.”
“Me too. I’m going to give you $45,000 because I love you man. You’re my boy.”
“Thanks man. I’m going to give you $45,000, too.”
Scott: OK, couple things here. Where was my 45 grand when I turned 19? Secondly, sure doubling the price of alcohol would cut down on excessive drinking, but it would cease delightful drunk conversations. On the other hand, panhandlers would be that much worse, and I wouldn’t want to be around when the wino’s start to sober up.
Gary: Maybe editors at the Spectrum have been drinking too much as well. Did you notice they’ve been slacking in their editing duties lately? Recently, they published one article entitled “UB Expects Seeks Quality Over Quantity in Admissions.” And after Joyce Carol Oates visited UB as a distinguished speaker, they wrote “Sewing Oates” as their headline. Who do they think they are, Generation editors? By the way, it’s sowing, not sewing.
Scott: Yo, but check this out, Spectrum editor-in-chief Erin Shultz is on her way to our office as we speak. Maybe she’s got something to say in her paper’s defense.
Shultz: Clearly you guys didn’t attend the Oates lecture. Well, neither did I. I was busy misspelling headlines. But the way I hear it, she actually pulled out a needle and yarn and knitted scarves for the audience, so our headline makes sense. But maybe you guys were too busy writing well-researched articles and telling the students that the SA e-board gets tuition waivers to attend.