October Horoscopes
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Go to Putnams on the 13th and take the third pizza from the right. Inside you’ll find a surprise! Lucky Days: 19 and 21
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Here fishy, fishy. At 6:35 p.m. on the 17th you will be hit by a bus, no wait, a truck. Just Kidding! Or am I…? Lucky Days: 17 and 31
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): You horny rams need to get laid at least twice, every weekend. Not because the stars say so, but because it’s fun! Lucky Days: 5 and 12
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): You bulls will get lost on Main St. at 2 a.m. and get hit on by every bouncer, except the ones at the clubs you want to get into. I think you know what you need to do. Lucky Days: 4 and 30
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21): You will get a job offer this month, twins. Don’t take it, you’ll end up whoring yourself. Stop trying to be a superstar. You’ll fail out of school. Lucky Days: 6 and 18
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22): The dream you have on the 9th will come true. But beware: the spiders are really crabs. Lucky Days: 10 and 15
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): This month lose one friend, my ferocious lions. Screw’em. He/she was taking away your hot dates anyways. Lucky Days: 1 and 3
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22): Steal the one thing from your best friend you have always wanted (including their virginity, you virgins), but return it for good karma. Lucky Days: 6 and 31
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23): Sorry, I can’t tell you. Just know that November will be better. The Halloween parties will get you through this. Lucky Days: you don’t have any.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21): The person sitting next to you RIGHT NOW could be the love of your life. Make things awkward to show your true love. Lucky Days: 4 and 24
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): You will hear that your class is cancelled on the 18th, but it’s not true. People just don’t want to see you, because your sign is an archer. Pfff! Which is not as fun as a mountain goat or ram. Lucky Days: 8 and 23
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Exercise! Maybe start running, so you can look your sexiest in that Halloween costume. However, since I know you will give up after five minutes you have to be a pumpkin. Lucky Days: 7 and 17
Celebrities born in October: Bill Gates, Sting, Yo Yo Ma, and Mya.
