It’s a growing epidemic, especially in the Midwest. Some say it’s harmless, others say it will lead the entire nation to the road to hell. Whether it is good, bad, or somewhere in between is hard to say. What you can measure though, is the response, and it’s starting in earnest. Businesses have changed their policies in hope of curtailing the perpetrators. There has been an outcry from the far right.
Test drive sex is the new hot issue in America.
It’s just one more level of excitement that people try to bring to their lives. Some people do body modification, some jump out of planes, and some have sex in brand new cars. The most daring couples dart onto car lots in the middle of the night, searching for open doors. There are even rumors of new car orgies, but it is the common consensus that such reports are grossly exaggerated.
Middle-aged Americans, typically reserved and starving for the promiscuity and carefree life of their youth, readily embrace the practice thanks to the far-reaching tentacles of the Internet. This is exactly why Mr. and Mrs. Mead find themselves at a car dealership nearly every weekend, wandering the lot, kicking tires and checking the price stickers.
After all, foreplay can be the best part. Mrs. Mead, in particular, loves the feeling of roping in a salesman, making eyes at him from across the lot while he sits at his desk behind the glittering wall of polished windows.
Today their salesman was Roy, a real good-old-boy who probably drove a pickup truck with a gun rack in the rear window. He sauntered up to the Meads, who were looking nonchalantly at the interior of a sporty two door coupe.
“Howdy folks,” he said. “Y’all see anything that’d interest you this fine day?”
It was all Hank Mead could do not to laugh. The way Roy thumbed his cowboy hat backwards and hooked a thumb into his belt buckle was straight out of a B Western. But it was time to get this party started.
“Well, we really like the look of this one here,” Hank started, “but we were looking for something with a little more room. Y’know, for the kids.” He winked at his wife.
Bonny Mead simply nodded and smiled, the perfect vision of a housewife. Yes, “the kids” would certainly appreciate a little more room in the backseat.
“Well,” Roy said, scratching his stubbly chin, “we got this one in a four door model right over here.” He started walking. “How old’re they?”
“Excuse me?” said Mr. Mead.
“Your kids. I got me a young‘un too. He’ll be seven come this next month.”
“Our youngest will be ten soon,” Mrs. Mead commented, while wondering exactly how Roy figured out how to procreate in the first place.
“Here she is,” Roy said, leaning against a shiny sedan. “Brand new. Y’all wanna take her out for a spin?”
Finally, we can cut to the chase, Hank thought. It only took a minute to go into the dealership, get the keys, and convince Roy to let them take the car out alone. Being the trusting country bumpkin he was, he agreed on the condition that they would be back in 15 minutes. Too bad this dealership didn’t have an “all day test drive” program. Still, it would have to do. An all day test drive might kill the couple at their age. The Meads were in the car in a flash.
“Y’all be careful now, y’hear?” Roy called out as the couple roared away.
This is where the real fun started. Foreplay is great, but the main event is what everyone’s really interested in. Bonny was unbuttoning her shirt before the dealership had disappeared in the rearview mirror. The couple had spent some time driving around the car dealership earlier, scoping out the surrounding terrain. Their travels had paid off, and they made tracks to a close by, semi-secluded area. By the time Hank put the car in park, Bonny was already undressed. They were in the back seat in a flash, and Hank slipped on a condom (another trick of car sex enthusiasts, to keep the seats neat), before embracing Bonny.
The action was fast and intense, as it had to be. The real thrill wasn’t the sex itself, but rather the location. They could have stayed home and had sex, but to get their groove on in a brand new car, a stone’s throw away from a major road, was exhilarating.
For Hank it was the thrill in the chance of being caught. He fantasized about a police car pulling up, the cop tapping on the window with the butt of his nightstick. For Bonny, the new car smell was like an aphrodisiac. You simply can’t bottle that intoxicating odor, and she loved to roll naked all over the backseat, dousing herself in it. For both of them, the cramped confines of the back seat brought them closer together.
But all good things must come to an end, and although test drive sex was always amazing for the Meads, it always ended too soon. Before the couple knew it, nearly fifteen minutes had gone by and it was time to get the car back to Roy. They quickly finished up, and then sped back to the dealership with the windows all the way down to wash away the smell of sex.
The car salesmen never understood why the Meads wouldn’t buy a car. Roy was no different. They came back from the drive looking so happy, but would always leave without sealing the deal. Oh, well. He couldn’t do anything except push his hat back and shake his head in amazement.
The Meads simply drove away, leaving only a used condom in the glove compartment for the car to remember them by. Another one drive stand. It might be a quick, cheap thrill, but then again, that new car smell is damn good.
