“A Philosophical Treatise on the Exact Whereabouts and Location of that Country and Republic Previously Referred to as the U.S.S.R., and Presently Known and Acknowledged as Russia”
The Argument: When a person is in a country, they are on a section of land that has been claimed by a country. Accept “country” as a political entity with the power to make political judgments. However, as learned people know, there are also seven areas that may or may not have political connotations, and these areas include all land on earth; they are the continents. This means that when a person is in a country, they are also therefore on a continent.
Thus, the question has arisen: when a person is visiting within the boundaries of a single country, must they not also be in a single continent as well? Most academics would agree to this as fact, but in the case of Russia, contention has arisen over this seemingly obvious truth.
The European Union (EU) is a political alliance based on the common characteristics of several countries; namely, that they are all located physically within the physical boundaries of the continent of Europe. This is, then, a political aspect of a continent in which Russia may reside, and it leads to a vexing dilemma. Is Russia in Asia or Europe? If it is in fact in Europe, then it could in theory join the EU. However, if it is Asia, it would be unable to join this alliance. Where is it? This vagueness in location of Russia has led to several skirmishes in the halls of D’idiot Universitat in Germany and even at the venerable Urstupd Institute in Czechoslovakia. Sergei Stokinblokin, an esteemed professional in the field of geography at D’idiot believes that because the boundaries of Russia do overlap into Asia, Russia should be banned from entering the EU.
“It is simply unfair,” stated Stokinblokin. “Why should Russia, the country that brought the world Stalinism, constitutional totalitarianism, and Yakov Smirnov be allowed into the EU? What about Lithuania, Georgia, and all those other New Jersey-sized countries that are so frequently passed over for their fat, alcoholic mother?”
However, this view is not shared by all professionals in the field. A pair of researchers in the field of political boundaries at Booring Academy in Moscow, Boris Bickelbauer and Natasha Stroganoff, do not agree with Stokinblokin.
“It is absurd to ban the grand republic of Russia from entering the EU,” said Stroganoff. “For years, the West has kept the Motherland down. How else can you explain the fact that we still wear acid wash jeans?”
Bicklebauer agrees, “Russia gave the world Faberge eggs, nubile prepubescent tennis stars, and the best damn potato-driven vodka this side of the Urals.”
“We need the economic ties of the EU,” he added, alluding to the nation’s financial crisis. “For Peter’s sake, it’s like Buffalo around here!”
So what can be done about this volatile situation that is so essential to the future of Russia as we know it? First, they must pick a continent. If saying that two things can’t be in the same place at the same time or one thing in two different places at the same time was good enough for Einstein and the theory of relativity, it’s good enough for potato-eating snow bunnies. If they want to be European, the Asian influence has got to go. Make “God Save the Queen” the new national anthem and start going to the opera and ballet. Or if they like eating rice and nomading around the plains of the Mongolian wilderness, quit bugging the Europeans about having tea together. It’s just not right to play both sides of the fence. The North Americans don’t let the Panamanians into their continent, and neither should either Europe or Asia until Russia chooses one or the other. As Chinese President Ju Huntao said during a recent press conference, “It’s either us or them, Putin. I’m sick of your games and lies. How could you do me this way?” after which he ran out of the room bawling.
It’s time to choose. Where are you Russia?
