A few years ago I was dating a girl named Mel. This was a girl I knew because her father was my dad’s college roommate. We had met when Mel was visiting the college she attends in the Finger Lakes a few years ago. The first night we met we didn’t talk much, but the second night (right before she started college) we hit it off and by that fall we were well into a long distance relationship. It should be noted that it was a doubly distant relationship, as her school is almost three hours away, and her hometown is a large Midwestern city that straddles two states.

So, as this story goes, it was December, two days before my best friend Jason and myself were to set off for Arizona, dropping Mel off at home on the way. Mel was staying at my house in Canandaigua for a few nights beforehand. But, that isn’t what this story is about.

What this story is about, the funny thing, was what happened later that night in my bedroom (a place Mel and I were not supposed to be sleeping in together, but to hell with the rules). So, on the night in question, Mel and I were quite amorous, as we always were when we were together. Well, during the third session of the night, which took me a long time to finish with, the two of us were trying to position ourselves for some cuddling action. Only problem is I can be a clumsy bastard when I am physically exhausted. So, as Mel was lying in my bed, waiting for me to move, I happened to knee her directly in her most private of areas. This would have been a problem any day of the week, but after the third session of horizontal mambo-ing, she was extremely sensitive there. She let out a yelp that I am sure everyone in my house heard, and covered her mouth. Me, being a chivalrous guy, told her I would kiss it and make it all better. Mel was not open to this notion, and in her efforts to move away from me, ended up kicking me in the head so hard that I fell off the side of the bed.

As if this was not enough, the following morning, after another sexual escapade, we were trying to get situated for cuddling again, and Mel got on all fours, putting herself directly in front of me. Of course, I went to wrap my arms around her, and she thought I was trying to initiate some behind the back action. She squirmed to get away from me, not realizing how close she was to the edge of the bed and running directly into the wall headfirst.

And, as a topper to that night and morning (which was actually our second-to-last together sexually), when I went downstairs while Mel showered, my dad, calm and collected, reading his paper and drinking his coffee, said to me in the flattest of tones: “You know, your bed creaks.”