Sex is a topic that has undeniably been present throughout all of human history, and will continue to captivate mankind until the day when materials necessary for reproduction are surgically drained from our bodies by roaming teams of government agents in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. But until that day comes (hehe, comes), we are free to discuss the oldest hobby in the world to our heart’s content. That is why I am presenting this brief history of sex. Grab the hand lotion and let’s go.
Nought BC – Adam and Eve have sex for the first time (at first Eve held out, making sure Adam was the right man). God saw, and it was good. Real good. To be honest, Eve just kind of laid there. Afterwards. Adam rolls over and fakes sleep. Eve tries to get Adam to mow the lawn and pick up the house the next day, but he watches football instead. Eve went back to Jersey to live with her mother for a few days. Seriously, check the Bible. It’s all in there.
25,000 BC – Pornography first appears in crude cave wall paintings. Modern researchers call them celebrations of fertility, but we know what Grog was up to. History’s first painter took a moment to admire his art, and subsequently created the world’s first “money shot.” Amazingly, the first vibrator was also developed in this era of pre-history. A clever cavewoman (let’s call her Ugg) discovered a new use for those pesky cave rats. Simply pick up a particularly lively one, wrap him in an animal hide, and the once-vermin will go completely crazy, struggling for hours on end. Women were soon spending an inordinate amount of time in caves.
Circa 1350 BC – The Egyptians invent the first condoms from the intestinal linings of animals. The first one was created for the sitting Pharaoh, but he immediately rejected it, heatedly explaining “It’s too small! Get me a Magnum.”
Circa 500 BC – The Classical Age begins in Greece, and Greek sculpture focuses largely on the human form. This tradition is continued on college campuses around the world through the custom of building snow penises.
429 BC – The first performance of Oedipus Rex. The play, written by Sophocles, prominently features incest between mother and son. Most of the audience left disturbed by the content, but Cletus, ancient drama critic, called the scene “as purty as a hog in heat.”
25 AD – A short lived product called “The Re-pube-lick” keeps Roman ladies occupied while the fellows are away at the senate. Outraged, the men forbade the use of the sex toy in some of the first-ever sex legislation, following the senate session with a orgy.
200-300 AD – Kama Sutra authored by Vatsyayana Mallanaga. 2005 AD: Herbert Brown of Ketchington, Indiana attempts “Inverted Wheelbarrow Crane” with his wife and subsequently shatters his pelvis.
312 AD – Emperor Constantine makes Catholicism the official religion of the Roman Empire, cementing its place as the dominant faith of western civilization for years to come, thus replacing pagan orgies with guilty joyless mating. Thanks, dick.
500-1000 AD – Europe: The Dark Ages – During these times, the definition of self pleasure changed into “sitting in a dimly lit room for hours on end, praying you will not go directly to hell because you saw the cat cleaning itself.” Few advancements were made.
1100 AD – Beowulf, one of the first works of British literature, details the life of a chieftain who defends his tribe with an enormous magical sword. Caucasian dick fear begins.
1400 AD – Dildo invented in Europe. The largely Catholic population of women in Europe were unsure of how to operate it, however, and simply gave it to the small children to play with.
1508 AD – Michelangelo and Raphael vie for the contract to paint the Sistine Chapel. After a heated campaign, Raphael is eventually brought down by pamphlets circulated by Michelangelo saying “Raphael smokes pole.”
1531 AD – Juan Ponce de Leon searches the swamps of Florida for the Fountain of Youth. After giving up, he sets off in search of the clitoris. Whereabouts, still unknown.
1620 AD – Puritans forced to leave England due to religious persecution. They arrive at Plymouth Rock and immediately begin a life of strict chastity and sexual repression. In nearby Mohican territory, a three thousand square-foot “Sex-travaganza” opens up, beginning the tradition of using Indians as loopholes in American law.
1752 AD – It was time for a new start in the New World. Electricity entered the scene for the first time. It is a little known fact that Benjamin Franklin’s mid-eighteenth century experiments in electricity went towards the construction of a mechanical companion for Mrs. Franklin. The first electric vibrator’s batteries, however, filled an entire room, and it took a team of stallions to turn over the generator.
1800 AD – Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemmings began a secret relationship that produced a number of children. Entries in Jefferson’s diary, claiming that the couple had gone “black girl crazy and white boy hazy” confirmed these rumors. Jefferson, in fact, did not go back.
1803 AD – Lewis and Clark explore the wilderness of America’s new West. After recording their voyage for posterity, the couple moved on to San Francisco where their love could be understood.
1865 AD – The first breast augmentation is successfully performed in Germany. Fat from a woman’s back was removed and relocated to the breasts. For being the initial guinea pig, the woman received a T-shirt reading “No Flat Chicks.”
1918 AD – The eighteenth amendment is put into effect, halting the sale of alcohol nationwide. The champions of the new amendment, the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, realize they will never get laid again without the aid of booze. The amendment is repealed 15 grueling years later.
1927 AD – KY Jelly invented. Initially used for medicinal purposes and sliding small pets across hardwood floors, the lubricant gains immense popularity when marketed as a sexual aid. The decade would be named the “Greasy ‘20s,” but later changed when it was discovered that “roaring” just looks better in a fifth grade textbook.
March 12, 1953 – Ron Jeremy born with adult size penis. Films Naughty Nurses 1 and Doctor Cock after a short breastfeeding session. His current portfolio includes 2,114 movies. Oops, 2,115.
1953 AD – Debut of Playboy magazine. Roughly five minutes later, a group of young boys discover a bin of back issues in an uncle’s closet. Academic performance in adolescent males plummets, and Baby Boom begins.
1972 AD – The motion picture Deepthroat explodes on the big screen (no pun intended) across the country. The low-budget-high-grossing movie (no pun intended) triggers a sexual revolution and anti-pornography legislation, deeply dividing the country (pun ntended). The film features Linda Lovelace in the role of a woman whose clitoris is tragically located in her throat. Luckily she is able to satisfy her desire for sex by fellating scores of men. It’s hailed as the “feel good movie of the year.”
1991 AD – The internet gains popularity amongst the general public. It is hailed as a new and valuable tool in the fields of education, science, and technology. Thankfully, no one used it for that. Thanks to the internet, you can now view double penetration sex featuring midgets dressed as pirates from the comfort of your own home.
1991 AD – Paul Reubens (better know as Pee Wee Herman, the host of a wildly popular children’s television program) is arrested for indecent exposure in Sarasota, Florida after masturbating in an adult movie theater. Witnesses called for the defense included Jambi the Genie, a giraffe, and the talking chair. In an emotional speech explaining his actions, Reubens cried, “Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Hiney-- ah, forget it. Take me to jail.”
1996 AD – “Talk Sex” with Sue Johanson hits the boob-tube. Now you can enjoy the comfort of talking about sex with your grandmother without the guilt of sporting a boner while you do so. She is hailed as the greatest G-MILF since Bea Arthur.
1998 AD – The Clinton Sex Scandal dominates the media. Four women accused the president of sexual misconduct: Monica Lewinsky, Kathleen Willey, Gennifer Flowers, and Paula Jones. In the impeachment hearings that followed, President Clinton pled guilty, not guilty, horny, and “Beer goggles, man,” respectively. Suddenly everyone feels completely comfortable discussing the nuances of oral sex with friends, co-workers, and family members. Men begin sexually harassing co-workers in hopes that they too may one day become president, and women begin soiling entire wardrobes in order to have something to talk about at cocktail parties.
The Future – Judging from the trends of today, technology will keep getting smaller and more accessible. I see no reason why this shouldn’t apply to the sex toy industry. In the future, all vibrators will be the size of a cigarette lighter, but be powerful enough to activate seismographs in Japan. They will also help with the cleaning and cooking, take out the trash, and skip the football game to go shopping for “guest towels.” This, of course, will eliminate the need for men. Such is progress.
There you have it, Generation’s look at the history of sex. Now all we have to wait for is the sex robots… oh sweet emotionless sex robots.
