Remember back in 1995 when you thought about the year 2000 and you thought flying cars, silver jumpsuits, and world peace? Remember how disappointed you were when all you got was an MTV New Year’s party and the War on Terror? Well, you got your hopes up, and that’s what happens. Here’s Generation’s twisted view on the not too distant future.

Now: Pop-Ups – “Jennifer, I have 3 new Classmates.com connections for you! Online Gaming Casino Gambling Fun Gamble Poker! Cialis__viagra__aarkpomnbv4$$$!” Increasingly, these annoying bastards are actually harming your computer when they randomly appear to block the porn you weren’t watching. Somewhere, hopefully, Bill Gates is on the case…or cackling wildly to himself in the study of his designer planet.

Soon: InstaPeople – Just like in that MSN commercial, the actual people in these pop up messages will physically appear. All your high school friends, officials from the Gator Corporation, and some octogenarian with a boner will be right there in your house. In this version, however, they will all beat the shit out of you. Oh, and the Adult Dating Service lady will have crabs.

Now: Sports Steroids – Yes, a number of professional athletes have been using some of the millions of dollars they make each year to buy steroids that increase their performance. In other words, swell their biceps, decrease their reasoning skills, and shrink their nuts to the size of malted milk balls. It just goes to show you, having the money to spend on drugs doesn’t mean having the taste to spend it on good drugs. Where’s Darryl Strawberry when you need him?

Soon: Drinking Gasoline – In the future, athletes will drink gasoline because they think the human body runs like a Volvo. Sporting events across television will lose viewers because the pitcher can’t stand up, or the javelin thrower keeps vomiting blood on himself. The best part is, it actually kills them!

Now: Live Strong Bracelets – In what I swear to God hasn’t become a fashion statement at all, people everywhere are showing how much they care about cancer research by sacrificing a dollar. All the proceeds go to Lance Armstrong’s cancer research fund, or Lance Armstrong’s new boat.

Soon: Fuck ‘Em Bracelets – You give me a dollar, write your address down on a napkin, maybe I send you a bracelet in three weeks. The bracelet says “Fuck ‘Em” on one side, and there is a space for you personalize who specifically you would like to vulgarly disregard. All proceeds go to me drinking them.

Now: Reality TV – From Survivor to The Apprentice, people are watching people do boring things at astounding rates. The best part about these shows is that with no creative inspiration or (gasp!) actual talent needed, anyone can be a TV star, providing big station producers with an endless array of show ideas for the foreseeable future, meaning big bucks for them and shit TV for you. This is one of those eerie, all-too-common moments in American history when you can know with all certainty that over a period of time, you are being slowly and subtly fucked in the ass by a bunch of rich people.

Soon: A cardboard box with a cat in it – It’s the next logical step.