“I’m Right. You’re Wrong” is an advice column especially designed to help UB students. So if you have no one else to turn to, and I mean absolutely no one, email us your question. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q. I keep having dreams that I’m married to Vincent Price. Is this normal for a college girl?

Little: It is a little strange that you’re dreaming about a man that is known for being frightening let alone a man that was in his prime before you were born. I can see where you might be coming from, however. He’s tall, dark, and handsome with a little added mystery. I mean hell, who could resist that slick hair and pencil thin moustache? I would say it’s weird, but you’re most likely normal. Just keep the details to yourself.

Scott: The real question is: is Vincent Price alive or dead in your dreams? If he’s alive, then live it up each night. And just think, you are a college girl, you don’t need to be worried about meeting him! But, if Price is dead in your dreams… just tell him to stay dead and use his fortune to buy numerous things that wont be there when you wake up anyway, you sicky. If you’re asking about the missing feet, send your address and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by Price’s grandson, Jodie. He’s one of our ad executives. Now, I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt. Shut up Jodie!

Q. There is a guy that stares at me in class. How do I know if he wants me?

L: Try sitting next to him in class and strike up a conversation. If he seems into you, ask if you could get his number in case you have a class-related question. Or go balls out and just ask if you can call him some time to hang out. Whatever reason you make up, just make sure he isn’t sitting next to his girlfriend of three years.

S: Why don’t you just perform the McShame Three Point Test to see if he likes you: 1) Smile at him with a big piece of spinach in your teeth and see if he lets you know it’s there. 2) Spill a hot coffee in his lap and then wipe it off with extra force. If he still gets hard through the blinding pain, it’s a good sign he digs you. And 3) Stare back at him through your entire class and raise your left eyebrow at him. It must be your left! After which nod your head towards the outside of the room, walk out, and see if he follows. If he does, knee him in the crotch because he is a crazy stalker. Oh, and sorry for the coffee spill Caitlin. You creep me out anyway. Sicky.

Q. I heard my roommate having sex with her boyfriend and then I heard screams of pain. The next morning I saw bruises on her arms. Should I be concerned?

L: It could be that her and her boyfriend are just into hardcore sex, but you may want to ask her if everything is alright. I say as long as she seems happy and doesn’t complain about her boyfriend’s weird sexual behavior it’s probably just their usual lovemaking routine. If you’re worried about overhearing them, you may want to invest in an iPod and heavy metal music.

S: Here is the real question: are you really concerned about your roommate’s safety or wondering because your boyfriend never does that for you? You know what I’m talking about: the old one-two-rocka-you-bed-a-shake-a-baby-make-a. Listen honey, if you want to know what’s happening with them, either put a video camera in her room like the one I have in yours, or simply knock on the door, wait ‘til they answer and say this: “Oy, can I get in on a little of the old one two in out smack um yackam?” Wait to see their reaction, and then you’ll know if you should be concerned.

Q. My friend is totally whipped by his girlfriend and doesn’t seem to mind. Should I let him know this isn’t a good thing?

L: It is a shame to lose your friend to an over-controlling girl. He’s probably in pussy-whip denial. Sit him down and have a talk. Give examples as to when he’s the most whipped, and ask him if he likes that. I’m sure he really doesn’t want to sit home painting his woman’s toenails while you and your friends get hammered at the frat party. If that doesn’t work, try an ultimatum. Good luck.

S: Hey, I think I know this kid. What? You saying me and my lady aren’t equals? Look at your life you son of a bitch. Who cancelled the trip to Anchor Bar this week because he had to go see Tuesday’s with Morrie with his woman who doesn’t even put out? How about you think about what I want in my life you jerk-off? I’m sick of you and your bullshit. Besides, my baby is a better lay than yours any day of the week. Trust me, I know. Oh yeah, that’s right. Reverse cowgirl? I taught her that, you hack.