When GTV approached me as like a subject for their latest episode of Made, my entire world was like totally turned upside down! After all, it’s not everyday that a starry eyed Italian boy from upstate New York like me gets a chance to like completely reinvent himself, you know? So, when the GTV crew rolled up with cameras to my totally awesome apartment in North Tonawanda early this past February, it was like a prepubescent wet dream brought to screaming life! In the following month, I would like be given the opportunity to become what I’ve always wanted to be: a Jewish American Princess.
Yeah, so like I have always entertained the idea of umm transforming myself into a woman since my early childhood. Often times, to the total disappointment of my friends and family, I would tuck my manhood between my legs and like put on my sister’s clothing. I liked strutting my stuff, trying to be the sexiest woman I could be. But it wasn’t until I like started attending the prestigious University at Buffalo that I was given a more clear understanding of my destiny. From my very first day on campus, I was like utterly blown away by the extremely beautiful and equally cultured groups of Jewish American Princesses. Seriously, in all seriousness, I never wanted to belong to a group of people this badly before in like my whole entire life! However, I was like totally thwarted by my beard, my lean figure, and my penis. There was no way I would ever be able to walk among them.
That’s when GTV’s Made came in! They hooked me up with a lot of the girls I had been admiring for years, and one in particular, Amber Flaxman, took a particular interest in my cause. She like determined that I would need a complete makeover immediately. My beard had to go, so we shaved it off and continued on, waxing my eyebrows and legs to like minimize the hairiness factor. But, like, um, that was just the beginning. After a day of pedicure and hot wax, I started to feel more like a princess.
In order to complete the cycle, Amber and I felt it was necessary for me to change my diet and start building up a new wardrobe. Gaining the weight was no problem. I like totally gorged on corned beef and gallons of ice cream for two weeks until my newly formed gut went sooo well with the multicolored sweatpants, low cut jeans and tight shirts I had put on credit. It looked like I totally swallowed a spare tire! Perfect!
Going to class became like a lot different now that I was expressing myself the way I always wanted to. Over the course of the first two weeks, my girls and I really started to like grow together. Like I don’t know how to describe it. You know? We were like sisters now. We started hanging out a lot at the Student Union and meeting totally hot frat boys who definitely started hitting on us. I mean, like, we were so hot and stuff. One time Amber said to them, “Look out, boys!” It was like so funny, ohmygodyoudon’tevenknow, it was like so funny.
After the first two weeks, Amber and I had been like hanging out and talking about all of our favorite things like music and movies and stuff, we had totally become best friends. One Friday night, she suggested we go to PJ’s, which I would nominate as the hottest club on the Buffalo scene. It felt like home walking through the doors the first time. The hottest guys, the best drinks, hottest music. Amber was a regular so she like knew the bartender and totally got hooked up with some free drinks. She told me that the secret was to like find the drunkest, hottest guy and take advantage of him, because that was like the way to get some ass. Amber and I walked arm in arm as we searched. The first night still seems really sort of foggy to me though. The last thing I like clearly remember was meeting some guy named Rupert who was 35 and married. My drink started tasting weird and the next morning I woke up with nothing on but a burning rash and handprints on my ass in the old Foods Jubilee parking lot on Kenmore.
Amber filled me in on the details and told me I had been slipped a roofie. She said how totally hot that was and we started flipping out. I had gotten the friends and lifestyle I always wanted, now all there was left to do was convert to Judaism and have a Bar Mixah. I think that was it. Either way, my like transformation would be complete!
It was like so boring trying to go to Hebrew Skewl. soo boring. But then this old guy in drag found out that I was like doing a show for GTV and that his sinag… synegoo… sinygogue… whatever those Hebrew church thingies are, was going to be on TV. He said that was like a really good mixah, and that he was would let me skip Hebrew Skewl.
My parents spared no expense for my Bar Mixah. I thought it would be like a party with the TKO frat boys, but it was turned out that it was like this weird poetry reading in my new Hebrew church thingy. Then we went to the after-party, which I thought would be like so crazy, but it was just my family and friends dancing with chairs in a Marriot ballroom.
It was cool though. (AMBER! BABY! Maneschewitz! We got so fucked up! Like so fucked up! Amber, if you’re reading this, text me!) That’s when it became apparent that my goal was achieved. Everyone who was involved with the whole process was invited, and the crew from GTV brought some of their friends who were working on the latest edition of Girls Gone Wild. Everyone had a great time and my friends and I like totally bonded. Thanks to GTV, my friends and like my parents’ money, I am now my own woman, free to walk the halls of the UB campus with the my girlfriends, and open my legs to any stranger I meet while getting wasted at PJ’s.
