The University at Buffalo buses have long been an eyesore on the busy, snow-encrusted campus. The number of complaints is huge. Students have to climb slippery stairs to get into the buses, and once they get there they don’t even get padded seats. Then our future leaders of America have to slide around on slick aisles and be thrown around by lackluster shocks. Damn son! That’s too cold; even for Buffalo!
Check out this letter we received from UB student Lisa McIslandson:
Dear GTV,
You have to help me! I go to the University at Buffalo (that’s in Buffalo), and I have a problem! My parents took my car away this winter just because I flunked every course and got herpes. Twice. I guess they think I should study more. Parents are so lame!
But ok. So. Like, I totally have no car now! How totally awful, like that time that one guy was dating my friend Christy McChristinson, and he totally was gonna ask her to this cool frat party, but then he didn’t ask her! Like, I know!
So now I have to ride the bus every day! How humiliating. I didn’t realize that the bus doesn’t even have heated seats like my BMW 325 convertible did! I CAN’T be seen in those buses unless they become cool, so I need you to come and Pimp My Bus! I’m going to call my daddy, so don’t worry about paying!
Lots of Love,
Lisa McIslandson
Wow, Lisa, it sounds like you need us to Pimp Your Bus! Luckily, Xzibit was on hand to help pimp them buses over! Due to the condition and age of the former mass transportation vehicles, the crew at West Coast Customs decided to work with an entirely new fleet of cruisers; and they went all out. From flawless colors to sweet new sound systems, the crew left out no detail on the force of 20 hybrid Coach USA shuttle buses; and GTV was there to catch the whole scene.
First, the bright white monsters were prepped for pimpin’. “The white gotta go!” exclaimed Xzibit. “Damn, look at me. My momma won’t even take my calls anymore…” Forget the old, boring Red Line, Blue Line nonsense. Now each campus route will be driven by a squad of four buses, each with its own awesome theme. The red line is now the “Blazin’ Cherry Bus,” the green line is the “Green Hit Express,” the yellow bus is now the “Good Vibrations Yellow Line,” and the “Screwdriver Orange Route” rounds out the group.
After the paint dried it was time to accessorize. “It’s all about coordination,” Big Dane said about the interior decorations. Each bus features suede reclining captain’s chairs matching in color with the exterior. The heated seats are complete with built in massage features, and will be perfect for wintering Buffalo, as is the self-mopping floor that will keep the walkways nice and dry. But we know that students don’t like to keep dry all the time, so we included a mini-fridge for every seat! There’s enough room for a six-pack of cans, or even a forty-ounce bottle of your favorite beverage. When the summer hits, the kids riding will love the windows you can pop way open! Open to just about the level of people’s heads, come to think of it. Oh well, all we know is Big Dane got the big job done!
Next Mad Mike stepped in, insuring that every bus would have a unique outrageous element. The wraparound couch for the new “Green Hit Express” looks incredible; it really promotes a sense of community when you’re sitting in a circle with your friends. The hot tub at the center of the “Blazin’ Cherry Bus” was tight as well. “The Screwdriver Orange Route” will be a hit with the club-going crowd; it has speakers on every surface playing the latest hits from an iPod-equipped jukebox. But the smoke machine of the “Good Vibrations Yellow Line” was the crowning jewel of the set. It could fill the bus with smoke in mere seconds.
“There’s no such thing as too much smokin’,” Mad Mike explained about the smoke machine. “Nothin’ beats rolling down them windows and letting a huge cloud of smoke out. Lets everyone know you the man. I do it in my car all the time!”
Taking care of the finishing touches on the exterior was Alex. “Yo yo yo. You knows this be the way we ride in the hood,” he said, indicating the 22 inch chrome rims featured on every bus. “Hit them lights y’all, you gots to see this!” When the lights fell, intense ground effects filled the room, each bus featuring effects in its separate color. The effect was mesmerizing, beautiful, and enchanting all at once. The heavens opened up and the angels sang. Warring peoples all over the planets put down their weapons to stare at the technical wonder that lay before them. They should…have sent…a poet…
“Fuck yea!” said Alex.
When we showed the buses to UB students, the campus done blowed up.
“Like, ohmygawd,” said sophomore Marjorie Undecidedton. “I love the ground effects. Even though it’s daytime out. Like, wow, is that Xzibit? Nothing this cool ever happens at the Union! I should know, I’m here, like, 11 hours a day.”
“Yo, me and my boys be hangin’ all up in this here bus, yknawmean?” asked junior Daniel Hutzbahn, gesturing to the “Green Hit Express.” “Yo, maybe we’ll take these buses to our next club party, y’dig? Hollah!”
Well, it’s official UB; you’ve been pimped! Make sure you check back again next week, when Xzibit applies his special touch to the Restful Peace Morgue by pimping out their hearse! You gots to be looking good when you’re moving into your final crib!
