BUSH BOMBS LONG ISLAND

President Bush admitted no wrongdoing today after mistakenly ordering a missile strike on a tanning salon in the Long Island suburb of Plainview, NY at noon yesterday. No one inside the Oompa Loompa Skin Hut was injured, as the cruise missiles missed their intended target by miles, crashing harmlessly into the Walt Whitman Mall.

Bush ordered the attack on what he thought were “insurgents” from the window-seat of what he thought was “a big shiny dragon” as Air Force One took off from JFK International Airport following the Send Barney Frank to Hell Christian Fellowship Conference.

The president defended the strike from atop a horse on his Crawford ranch, saying he “acted for the cause of freedom.” Asked to clarify, Bush replied, “Lalalalala—er, Social Security…terrorists…ehh, taxes…cutting—Away, Buttercup, awaaay!”

Long Island residents reacted to the bombing with… well, about the same emotionless curiosity with which they regard everything other than stories about Jones Beach.

“Oh my gawhd, I can’t believe they thoawt we wuh taaruhrists,” said Plainview native Marissa Cohen, 19, exactly like that. “Neow we kyan’t go to the Wawlt—ack, ACKUM! Excuse me, I’m terribly sorry, I had something caught in my throat.”

Upon returning to Washington, the president immediately issued an executive order erasing the incident from the national record. Pressed again for his reasons for targeting the salon, Bush said, “Look, from the plane, those people looked brown.”

—Jeremy Burton’s high school newspaper reporting

POWELL INJURED IN MC PEACE TALKS

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell was shot in the upper thigh last night in the latest development in a U.S.-backed plan to end the strife between rapper 50 Cent and a list of enemies that now includes fellow MCs Jadakiss and The Game, the United Auto Workers Union, and the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.

According to witnesses, talks at the East Queens summit had been progressing well, with Jadakiss signing a formal truce with Mr. Cent, Jordan agreeing to a tentative ceasefire, and the UAW yielding to Mr. Cent’s demand for a permanent “no frontin’” zone over the city of Chicago.

During a heated discussion over the proliferation of “crazy bitch” settlements along the Dead Sea coast, Mr. Cent pulled a gun. Powell apparently leapt across the table and tackled the rapper to the ground, causing the gun to go off. The bullet tore through Powell’s leg and crashed harmlessly into the Walt Whitman Mall.

While being handcuffed and placed into a Homeland Security-patented “Terr-o-Dumpster,” Mr. Cent indicated that while he strongly believed Powell had engaged in improper relations with numerous domesticated animals, the former U.S. official had not been his target. He had planned on joining the crowd, he said, and shooting himself in the face.

The misunderstandings continued when State Department officials released a memo that said they had contacted Powell to ask for his help in brokering “Mid-East peace,” but the message got garbled in the Bush Administration’s bizarre method of sending important foreign policy directives through an extended game of “Telephone.”

Reached for comment early this morning, current Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice expressed regret at the failure of peace talks, but as for Powell, “Fuck ‘im. Nigga owes me money.”

—Condi Rice’s unfortunate dental structure reporting

SPEARS LINKED TO TERROR PLOT

FBI agents apprehended singer/actress/antichrist Britney Spears on Friday when an investigation revealed she does not fully support the troops.

Law enforcement officials said evidence gathered from the pop star’s home linked her to Al Daqueerzah, a Hollywood-based terror cell led by filmmaker/communist Michael Moore that includes such prominent figures as actor Sean Penn, TV repairman Eric Roberts, and every American homosexual. The group has been tied to a rash of vandalism cases in which patriotic “Support the Troops” ribbon magnets are violently not displayed on the backs of famous people’s cars.

“What really tipped us off was the blatant lack of ribbons on Britney’s Escalade,” said Clancy Reynolds, executive director of USA Fashion Statements, Etc., the troop support watch group/magnet manufacturer that alerted Homeland Security officials. “These colors don’t run, not even from liberal neo-socialist hippy intelligentsia like Britney Spears.”

Larry Fleischburgenstein, a spokesman for Ms. Spears, refused to comment as to whether or not his client was available to be interviewed, and dodged further questions as to what Spears had been wearing at the time of the arrest.

“Look, you’re just going to have to check the E! re-enactments,” said Fleischburgenstein, adding that his last name was not, in fact, an ethnic joke. “I will say this: Britney hasn’t gotten a black eye this bad since her happy trail showed up on the cover of Rolling Stone.”

—Bill O’Reilly’s randy phone bill reporting

CONGRESS BANS BOY’S DOG FROM DYING

As part of an ongoing effort by the U.S. government to prevent anyone from being sad ever, Congress passed emergency legislation last night that prevents a Michigan boy’s dog from dying.

The legislation was tipped off by a letter from Billy Jenkins, 12, of Lansing, MI, to the entire membership of both houses of Congress. The letter expressed Jenkins’ fear that his dog, Sparky, was too old and would die within the month. His parents, he said, were preparing to put the dog to sleep.

“When we heard that, we knew we had to act,” said Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Hell). “We can’t have these activist parents thinking they can just interpret the Constitution in a way that allows them to put a dog to sleep, or have gay sex, or protest the war, or raise taxes, or let people die according to their wishes…”

After composing himself, Santorum added, “I’m a horrible person.”

The bill, lovingly dubbed “Billy’s Law,” was part of a larger initiative called Shiny Ignorant People, an effort inspired by the presidency of Ronald Reagan designed to ensure that Americans “feel good about their country again,” even in the face of overwhelming “evidence” to the contrary. According to pamphlets passed out by SIP supporters, the idea here is “to bring media focus to single-benefactor legislation and celebrity trials to create a sense that there are no bigger problems in the world than, say, Jose Canseco’s steroid-themed ass parties.”

Included in the package are proposed measures that would ban the use of “Iraq” and “war” in the same front page headline, amend the ending of The Fox and The Hound, and wish the continent of Africa into the cornfield.

“I think it’s going pretty well so far,” said President Bush last night. “People have all but forgotten that I did drugs and that after two years we’re still not quite home in Iraq, but—oh, hell, is that mike on? C’m’ere. C’mon, gimme the tape. Dang it, Dick, get the chloroform.”

–Santorum’s gay son reporting

GOLF STARS SUSPECTED OF STEROID USE

Congressional hearings began today in the investigation of possible steroid use throughout the ranks of the PGA tour.

Observers have suspected steroid use in the golf community ever since Vijay Singh downed a Piper Cub with a tee shot from the seventeenth hole at TPC Sawgrass.

Both Singh and Tiger Woods are implicated in a tell-all book by fellow golfer and recreational racial commentator Fuzzy Zoeller entitled Jacked: Nasty Needles, Tiger Woods, & How White People Lost the Game. The book tells the story of a seedier golf world than most fans are used to, one where the driving forces are sex, drugs, and adult contemporary music.

“It’s sad really,” Zoeller recalls in the book. “Golf in the 1980s was about the closest thing to utopia I had ever known. I’ll always remember that magical time when the deficit was sailing, Pat Boone was on the hi-fi, and the only thing the white collar community had to worry about was finding impressive things to say at cocktail parties.”

—Jake’s decreasing stockpile of ideas reporting

GOOD CHARLOTTE OPENS ‘PUNK, INC.’

The members of quasi-rebellious anti-counterculture pop nightmare Good Charlotte announced Tuesday that they would be opening Punk, Inc., a hands-on investment firm for up-and-coming punk bands.

The venture was created to give new artists a voice in the corporate community and a source of capital, something GC’s Joel felt was lacking in punk rock.

“Everybody before us spent so much time bitching about the government, or social injustice,” he said. “I need to think about my future.”

“Damn the man, diversify your own portfolio,” said GC front man/mime Benji, adding, “I’m so mad at my parents.”

Fellow pop stars Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne would also be shareholders in the corporation.

“Punk’s not dead,” said Lavigne. “But if it did die, at least now its family would be the benefactors of a generous payment plan.”

–Joe Strummer’s spinning corpse reporting

FAKE NEWS COLUMN RUNS OUT OF STEAM

Due to procrastination and the inspiration-killing effects of fluorescent lighting, the GTV News Briefs stopped being funny after about the second joke.

“Somewhere around noon on Saturday I just ran out of ideas,” said Jacob Drum, author of what you’re reading right now. “The early stuff was tight, but I just got too greedy.”

Sources close to Drum suspect a breakdown due to Dayquil consumption and an allergic reaction to deadlines. He has been sacked.

—Jacob Drum signing off