Hey kids, welcome to another installment of All Things Rock. This is the show where we take establishment, throw it out the freaking window, and talk about rock! While it may seem that mindless, corporate driven pop rap gargle bucket has taken over this channel, we here at All Things Rock are proud to say that our subculture lays the bedrock for everything cool that goes on around here. Here is a sample of some of the rock that GTV has to offer.

Whoever said you had to be hard to rock? This shale is smooth and soft just like Mr. Big; it has been scarred by many pennies in its long and arduous journey from a mixed up jumble of confused stream sediment into a clastic piece of shale with some fine looking slaty cleavage.

This piece of granite is more hardcore than As I Lay Dying. Igneous in its nature, it experienced a hot and heavy childhood underneath the surface of the earth. Today, this rock rocks out like no other, showing its small crystals like he has to prove something.

The clastic sedimentary rock that we see here has been around for so long that she was a groupie on Sabbath’s first tour. She’s got hives, as well as shells and sticks. She wants to have a good time with you, if you are daring enough.

This weakly composed stone is the bane of the rock world. This lightweight left the super hot rockin’ mantle way too early. If he were a hair metal band, he’d be Stryper. Don’t kick him, because he will break up into powder faster than a Van Halen reunion.

Now this is what I’m talking about! This ultramific hard rocker survived a million year mosh pit with a freaking glacier! But rockers be warned: this guy rocked out a bit too much. After years of living the heavy metal lifestyle, he got a painful intrusion, as you can see on his left side.

This dude, who may or may not be phyllite, survived a metamorphism, which gives him much credit in my book of rock. He rocked out so hard with so many beautiful minerals and they all left their mark. But after a long stay in the Natural Sciences Complex, he has finally caved into the system: he foliated his minerals! Sellout!

In the world of rock, this guy is a pussy. After leaving the rocking mantle early, this loser was beaten up with iron every day in rock (and roll) high school (hence his red color). He now spends his days in the Natural Sciences complex, composing emo music and gently crying himself to sleep.

This rocker has got it together. He went into the mantle, rocked out, and returned a rock god. He now spends his days outside the Capen library, where he is idolized by a bunch of stoners.

As much as I don’t want to say it, this is what all us rebellos rockers are destined to become. The man is going to enslave us. They will make us work nine to five, five days a week, as street curbs, bricks, or chicken nuggets. So remember to rock out as much as you can! Damn the Man!