Yo, it’s time for this week’s edition of Les Vies de Van, the feature hosted by the baddest mo-fo around: me, Van Marbella. What you’re about to see is a no holds barred, unscripted, hardcore day in my life. I’m going to show you all the shit that goes down every day for me, hardcore beyotch! And this time we ain’t bleeping out the naughty words.

I started my day by rounding up my crew. That was easy because they all live here in my castle, since they would be homeless otherwise. Once everyone was finally up and we had polished off the day’s first case of beer, I decided to set my uncle’s car on fire out in the front yard and then piss on the burned out hulk. That got my uncle, Ron Beato, out into the yard.

“I do declare,” he said in a model British accent. “I believe you have demolished my conveyance once again, Van. This must be the fifth time in a fortnight. Oh well, I assume that the standard procedure will be followed, and a replacement car is forthcoming within the hour?”

Ron Beato is so stupid. You can’t even understand his stupid talk. Stupid-y pants.

I wasn’t about to take that crap from Ron, so me and my crew tossed all the furniture out of the upstairs window. Soon my mom, May Marbella, was up and bitching at us. She always gets pissed off when I do something innocent like flooding the house with elk urine or setting her bridal gown on fire. Before I knew it she was launching into a list of all the stuff she thinks is our fault.

“…and what about the time you drowned your father in that stupid game show episode, Van? Was that all fun and fucking games, you bastard? We’ll never get him back, you hear me? You’ve ruined my life! If only my womb was barren, I would never have given birth to this hell spawn!” She collapsed into tears.

Yea, I am pretty awesome. But I’m also good to my family, since I give them lots of stuff and then later drop it all off a cliff. Since I’m so great, I also know when my mom needs a break. So the Van crew decided to take care of all the things my mom has to do today. Holy shit, everyone loves me.

The first thing we had to do was drop Ron Beato off at his house, since we had our fun with his car and all. But that’s not the way we roll here at Les Vies de Van. We managed to bait Ron into my Humvee with a trail of rare first edition books. Ron Beato loves his readin’. When he got in there, however, we were waiting inside to take off. We strapped Beato to the seat as we boxed the car with bong hits and took him on a three state road trip, where we proceeded to flush every page of the first edition novels down in the seediest of highway side restrooms. Beato was so funny.

“Good lord, Van!” he would cry. “That’s an original James Fenimore Cooper! Oh, for the love of all that is holy, let me be as Odysseus and brace myself against the crude machinations of you sirens of Hades! No! That’s an original Emily Dickinson letter! If there is a merciful God, he will gouge my eyes out that I be saved from these horrors!”

That Ron Beato is a funny guy. Goddamn I’m so cool.

We finally dropped off Ron and got back to the house. Next on the list was to cook dinner. Hell, everyone knows that Van is the best cook around! I really wanted to make my mom feel special today, so we had the guys at GTV go down to the zoo and pick up some endangered spotted owls. I knew that this was May’s favorite fowl to bird watch, so these bitches will be the bomb for her. They’re endangered, so other people must’ve eaten the rest already. They must be good. Maybe I’ll buy a zoo so I can eat owls and shit all the time. Maybe I can get somebody else to buy it for me. Man, this show is never gonna get old.

We let my mom eat like half of her meal before we told her where it came from. Man, the look on her face was killer! May tried to go throw it up (since she loves animals and all that wussy crap), but thankfully Rodd Yourself blocked the door, and she had to go out into the yard. She was crying when she came back in, so I gave her a bunch of money. I sure do love my family.

After the excitement had died down, I spent the rest of the evening relaxing. I had a few glasses of wine, and played a game of pool with my crew. It was looking like a peaceful evening until I decided to defecate on the pool table and burn the cues to heat the living room. Then I drank a bottle of whiskey, drove over to another town on my four-wheeler, and molested a sheep. Then I came home and passed out on the stairs. That’s right, asshole. The stairs. I’m hardcore!

The next morning we had to clean out the gutters. I hate that crap. If I had known we were going to have to do this, I would have torn them down years ago. Who needs gutters anyways? That’s lame, and being lame doesn’t have anything to do with being Van Marbella. So instead of cleaning the gutters the normal, bitch-ass way, I decided to do it my way. And that’s the way that rocks! Fuck yea.

So I woke up to do some bumps of coke off last month’s issue of GTV, and stepped outside to welcome the fleet of helicopters filled with GTV engineers. Oh, and Tony Hawk. Now that I have Tony Hawk here at least once a week (it’s in the contract), we can get to work.

We all thought to ourselves, why try to clean the gutters by hand when you can clean them by board!?!? Crazy shit. I figured that we could build ramps onto the top of the house, and then Tony Hawk can grind all that crap out of the gutters. Man, pot gives you such awesome ideas. But only if you’re me. Goddamn I rule!

So, everything started really well. Tony was grinding all around my house, just like in that video game. You know. The one with me in it. I’m in a video game, bitches. What did you do yesterday? Shit, I’m the best.

Anyways, Tony was grinding the house, and I guess he hit a bad spot or something because all of a sudden people were screaming and running around.

“Oh, sweet Jesus, look at his leg!” said Robb.

“I can see the fucking bone dude! Van, get the hell over here!” commented Brian.

“OH CHRIST GET ME A DOCTOR!!! OH GOD I’LL NEVER SKATE AGAIN!!! FUCK YOU VAN!!!” Tony remarked.

I figured that was enough for one day, so I hopped in my Humvee and went to Cancun. I had definitely helped my mom out with the household chores, no contest. That’s because I’m great. Damn.

You should join us for the next episode of Les Vies de Van. I’m going to help underprivileged inner-city kids by skating in front of them with Tony Haw – er, Bob Burnquist. And I might even smash a car! Fuck, I’m awesome. Buy my shit.