If you’re like most college students, you

probably don’t have enough time to find

out what’s going on in the world. Well,

never fear. We’re here to fill you in on what’s

happening in the worlds of news, sports, and entertainment,

so you can spend your time doing

all the important things college students do—get

drunk, get high, get laid, watch sports, and oh

yeah, maybe go to class too.

News:

The world’s one billion Catholics have been

mourning last week’s death of Pope John Paul

II. Now that he has been laid to rest though, the

fun of choosing the next pope begins. While

there are many leading candidates for the job,

we here at “Talkin’Trash” would like to push for

the election of Buffalo’s own mayor Tony

Massiello. We figure not only would it get Tony

out of town, maybe if we had a pope rooting for

the Bills, we might actually win the Super Bowl.

Ajudge in England recently decided not to

sentence a 66 year old woman to prison even

though she had admitted that she possessed marijuana,

and had intended to give it to her fellow

retirees. The woman, Patricia Tabram, is quoted

as saying, “I had it this morning in my scrambled

eggs, and I’ll have it for lunch. I’m not giving

it up.” She then added, “Now get the hell out

of my way. Lucy down at the retirement home

gets real pissed if she doesn’t get her tea time

blunt.”

Sports:

America’s favorite whistleblower Jose

Canseco continues his quest for the has-been

hall of fame by agreeing to appear on the next

season of VH1’s Surreal Life. Also appearing on

the show with him will be Bronson Pinchot, best

known for his role as Balki Bartokomous on the

sitcom Perfect Strangers, Pepa, from the ‘80s

rap duo Salt-n-Pepa, and Omarosa from NBC’s

reality show The Apprentice. We think it really

won’t be all that exciting unless Jose can convince

Cousin Balky to go on the juice with him,

and the two get into a good roid rage and start

beating the crap out of all the other has beens.

Entertainment:

Movie star Richard Gere took a trip to the

Middle East to urge leaders to work for peace.

When asked if he thought his trip would have

any effect, Gere responded, “Well I did manage

to marry Cindy Crawford and keep my career

going after that horrible ballroom dancing

movie I just made with J-Lo, so I don’t think

peace in the Middle East is really that far out of

reach.”

In a recent issue of Rolling Stone, pop icon

Elton John compared controversial hip-hop

artist Eminem to the likes of Jimi Hendrix and

Mick Jagger. We figure this either means that

Eminem will die too early of a drug overdose, or

still be performing way past his prime. Let’s

pray for the former.

Cookie Monster, the loveable puppet who

can never get enough cookies on the children’s

show Sesame Street, will apparently be cutting

down on his favorite food for the next season of

the show. The show’s producers say they are doing

so in order to promote a healthier message to

children. When asked for comment on the idea,

Oscar the Grouch said, “Jesus Christ, they’re all

concerned about Cookie Monster eating too

many cookies but I can’t get ‘em to move me out

of this fucking trash can I’ve been living in for

25 years.”

And that’s what’s going on in the world. Feel

free to drink all you want tonight, you have our

permission.