1. Watch Requiem for a Dream

2. Watch a synched version of The Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd’s The Wall when you have a crappy version with a five-second delay

3. Tune ANYTHING

4. Rearrange your CD/DVD collection based on personal experience like John Cusack in High Fidelity

5. Make a Top 5 List

Now, for a few explanations. First of all, this list excludes the obvious, like rearrange your car keys, move furniture, participate in an Atkins diet, call your grandparents, do pushups or look at yourself in the mirror, but instead focuses on activities associated with entertainment.

Requiem for a Dream is a fantastic movie, full to the brim with excellent cinematography, acting (even by a Wayans brother), and is a perfect example of why Darren Aronofsky is a film genius. I had been forewarned that Requiem was a bad idea to watch while baked out of my skull, but I was a fan of the movie and I decided to give it a go. So, while partaking in the glorious holiday that occurred last week (4/20, not Passover), I put it to the test. And the answer as usual is that I’m an idiot. Instead of enjoying myself like my typical nights with a heaping bowl of ice cream and a few episodes of West Wing, I spent 102 minutes assessing the chances that I form an addiction, start talking to refrigerators, or lose my hand – what a way to kill a nice high. However, I must offer up this one exception, and yes this makes me a horrible person. If you watch the Jennifer Connolly stripper scene (a.k.a. the “Butt to Butt” scene) completely separate from the rest of the movie it is absolutely hilarious. Now does this make me an awful person, fuck yes, but before you judge I challenge you to do it; it’s hilarious. Then you come and tell me that you were able to hold back laughter as Jennifer Connelly and her two-way dildo-sharing partner go at it as sleazy businessmen scream “BUTT TO BUTT!” I’ll have a warm cushion next to me on my couch in my own little section of hell saved just for you.

As for the rest of the mighty list. A great way to make me want to gorge out my eyes is watching a movie I have just downloaded while the lips are off as compared to the dialogue. So, after puffing away many brain cells, the sound effects being off (which normally make this such a great stoner experience,) are completely lost as Winamp sends you into a tornado-like rage of destruction.

For number three, as cuts on my arms will show, tuning a guitar is a difficult thing if you have no musical ear whatsoever like myself, and is even more difficult to do when your blood is saturated with THC and will most certainly lead you to breaking between two and three of your strings before you realize this is a bad idea.

For this article I had initially intended on trying out every thing on my list so that I could give you all an accurate account of my night of stoned hell, but I stopped myself here at number four, thank god. I was strongly tempted to try and take my precious CD collection and rearrange them autobiographically either by mood or in chronological order in which I had gotten them, and like many weed-induced ideas it seemed brilliant at the time. Having pulled out a handful of CDs I saw the gaps in my CD holder and instantly panicked and realized that I have a shitty memory as it is, imagine the disaster that would have happened if I had tried to remember the very year and month which I had purchased Candlebox’s Self Titled, a personal stoned favorite of mine. That’s right; it would have sucked… A LOT!!!

Finally, this article itself. Can you even imagine the amount of times I changed this list? It is unbelievable. As I sat down to start it, I found scraps of paper where I wrote down different things I didn’t want to ever do while high, and yes, they were hilarious, but I also realized why people who don’t enjoy the ganja don’t like being around stoned people: we can’t make decisions about anything, and they are usually really stupid ideas when you read them sober. So, I could clearly think of more things not to do while stoned, but you’re probably ripped reading this so why kill your buzz any further?