What’s up bros? Troy Kellman here. If you don’t know me yet, let me fill you in with a couple fun facts about myself. I’m a senior Poly-Sci/COM double major who spends most of his time at the gym, studying, or sitting in my room just thinking about all kinds of deep stuff. I also am the kind of dude who likes going out at least twice a week (what’s up to my Thursday night freshman gals at PJs—you know who I’m talking to), to take my mind off of all the really hard tests my jerk professors give me. I think a lot of what makes me the Troy that I am is the stuff that I like, so I’ve put together this little list of some of the particularly awesome things that make me so awesome too.

1. The Boondock Saints

Holy shit dude, if you haven’t seen this movie yet I hope the Saints come to your door and blow your ass off with some of those sweet-ass guns they have. This movie totally changed my life. The action is sweet, the guns are sweet, and it’s a really deep movie. I tried to tell my dad about it, and how deep it was, but the old man just didn’t get it. Then I showed him that scene where the Saints go into that building and shoot all those dudes, and my dad was hooked. I still don’t know why they had to make Willem Dafoe wear a dress and shit (my dad gave me a weird look at that part), but whatever, dude, the movie still fucking rocks your ass.

2. O.A.R.

I put this shit on when I’m just chillaxin’, you know what I mean? It’s just happy music, man, and that’s really what matters in life when you’re just hanging out with your friends or going on awesome road trips to go rock climbing. Plus, they have that awesome “poker” song that pumps me up. Every time I hear that song I just want to go and beat some dude’s ass, or play some poker with my cool friends (and maybe some awesome strip poker if there are some ho’s over, ya know bros?).

3. Napoleon Dynamite

Dude I just about pissed myself silly when I watched this awesome movie. Shit, that Napoleon guy was so goofy, he totally reminded me of all those dorks I hated and beat up in high school. I really loved it when he said all that funny stuff in that weird voice of his. For the first couple months all me and my bros did all day was go around saying “gosh” and “your mom goes to college.” Dude we’d crack up for hours (we also all did such good impressions of it, it was mad funny).

4. Dave Matthews

My ex-girlfriend Sarah and I really loved the Dave Matthews band. She was still a sophomore in high school last year when I was a junior here, so I didn’t get to see her all that much. I really missed her a lot, man… Anyway, we would just talk for hours on the phone every night about how cool Dave’s music was, and how when we got married we wanted “Crash into Me” to be our wedding song. Then the bitch up and left me for some kid named Derrick who ran track at her high school. If I ever see you at a party, Derrick, you better watch your back. I’m in a frat, ‘nuff said.

5. The Killers

I know, I know. They’re a little weird. But dude, trust me – they’re fucking sweet. I was dating this really strange chick named Marcie for a couple days and she introduced me to them. I eventually had to dump her because she would just call me crying all the time; I’m not about to deal with that shit, man. Have you heard that “Brightside” song? Man I love that. Sometimes I just put that on, and I think, “Yes. This is music. Awesome.” There’s this point in the song where the lead dude says something like “my stomach is sick,” and then he says “and she’s touching his…” and you think the dude is going to say “dick,” but he doesn’t. That shit is hilarious.