Pontiac Aztek

Pontiac somehow managed to design a sport utility vehicle that combines the look of an ass-less anorexic teenage girl with that of a developmentally disabled toddler. Ugly and useless, the Aztek isn’t even large or powerful enough to justify dick fear as a reason for buying one.

George W. Bush

To date, Bush is the only leader in American history to prompt positive statements about Herbert Hoover. He should be castrated with plastic utensils by the cast of Fear Factor, but will most likely be artfully blown by the History Channel for decades after he leaves office.

The War in Iraq

Reasons: Weapons of mass destruction. Al Qaeda links. Spreading democracy. Standing firm to honor those who have already died. Protecting U.S. oil interests from the terrorists. Results: 1,896 flag-draped coffins. Abu Ghraib. Lance Corporal Andy Raya. Tens of thousands of civilian deaths. Billions in debt that we can’t pay back. Ten billion dollars in war-profits for Halliburton. Mission Accomplished.

The Plight of American Indians

You might remember these guys from your elementary school social studies classes. They used to own your backyard, along with the rest of the continent. Now there are about three million of them left and they’re taking the white man’s money at casinos built on the shittiest land white Americans could find for them.

Suburbia

This entropic, car-dependent lifestyle will one day be proven as one of the most malicious social forces in American history. The lack of community and social malaise created by a lifestyle predicated on the subtle hatred of everyone around you has inspired scores of school shootings, a spike in profits for the makers of shiny lawn balls, and the success of Hoobastank.

Scenesters

Spineless refugees of the post-modern movement, these are the hipsters who can’t go five minutes at a party without telling you how “cliche” your CD collection is while urging you to pick up the new 7” from some androgenous German steel drum/bassoon duet. “New” doesn’t equal “good.”

Walmart

Next time you buy a Wal-Mart product because it’s “cheaper” or “easier” remember what you traded that one-stop convenience for: There’s a ten-year-old girl bent over a sewing machine in a steamy, lint-filled basement somewhere in Malaysia working 14 hour shifts in between hospital trips for $.29 a week. You traded all that “convenience” for her bleeding fingers.

Democrats

Ah, America’s “opposition” party. We needed these people to step up in 2004. The nation was at a historic crossroads and the well being of future generations was at stake. They gave us John Kerry, a nutless, skim milk version of the president whose sole redeeming quality was that he waited a bit longer to sell his soul than Bush did. Boo that man; he had a chance to lead people and instead he went on scripted hunting trips like a boy trying to prove to the older kids on his street what a tough kid he is. The whole spectacle of Kerry ’04 was as feeble and abortive as the Democratic voters that watched conservatives call him a liberal and secretly believed it.

Reality TV

The only thing worse than the vacuous gonads that take part in these shows is the fat Americans picking popcorn seeds out of their couch cushions as they wait to see who called who a bitch in the confessional.

The University at Buffalo

A monument to the failures of public education, UB has become more of a farm than a school. The mentality is “get ‘em in, get the cash, send ‘em packing.” Aside from the depressing atomization of its students and the alienating design of north campus, UB also has a football team.

MTV

Forget the “music television that doesn’t play music” argument. If this channel tries to sell me one more DVD, if I see one more commercial for a damn ringtone with Jessica Simpson’s dulcet voice crooning mental defects at me—if this moral vacuum lectures me one more time on how much I should be doing about hurricane relief, I swear to God, I’ll—shh, Cribs is on.

Abercrombie & Fitch

“Yo, ‘d you get the new Quarterly?”

“Nah, bro, it’s out already?! Damn.”

“Yeah, I already got my picks: I got a yellow one with the A&F logo, a blue one that says A&F Athletics Dept. on it, a red one with the A&F logo, and a polo with ‘Abercrombie’ stitched into the collar.”

“Aw, man! I wanted one with the A&F logo on it!”

“Well, you better not get it now, bro, ‘cos then we’d just look like idiots.”

Republicans

On the GOP website there are a number of “teams” that highlight various aspects of their national policy: there’s a team for faith & values, Hispanics, women, and even for senior citizens. I was thinking they should add a few to the list, like the Suicidal Iraqi War Veterans Team, the God Hates Fags Team, or the New Orleans Floating Corpses Team.

The City of Buffalo

Crime? Byron Brown for Mayor. Punishment? Mayor Byron Brown.

These Lists

We present the options to you in black-and-white facing stereotypes so often used by the media, adopting the adversarial relationship of a criminal courtroom where Conservatives Love America and Liberals Hate America, and the Truth is in the eye of the beholder.