Q: I think my professor hates me. I do all the work and go to all the classes, but whenever I talk in class, he’s rude to me and I get bad grades on all my assignments. What should I do?

AM: You should go to his office hours. If you’re getting poor grades on your assignments, there is obviously something you’re not getting (no professor is going to give you a bad grade for no reason). Instead of putting your old homework under your pillow and hoping you’ll understand it by morning, bring it to his office hours and ask for help in understanding the correct answers. Try to ask some relevant (but not stupid) questions. Act like you’re really interested in what he tells you regardless of whether you are or not—teachers love to feel like they’re getting through to you.

The truth is, if you want to get a good grade in his course and you can’t do it with your brains alone, you’re going to have to do a little ass kissing. Just don’t lay it on too thick: no one likes a sloppy kisser.

C: I see this going one of two ways: If you’re a good looking girl, your professor is just pissed off because he’s not being paid enough to baby sit you and the rest of your World Civ class and you’re not showing enough leg. I would suggest coming on to him during office hours and then shacking up with him. You’ll be seeing nothing but A’s until next semester. If you’re an ugly chick or a dude, you’re probably just that annoying kid who asks too many stupid questions. You’re going to fail anyway, so you should just stop attending class and find something more productive to do with your time. I hear Vaseline’s on sale at CVS.

Q: Should I pledge a fraternity? My brother was in a frat when he was in college and he wants me to. He seemed to have a lot of fun, but his GPA dropped before he crossed over.

AM: This all depends on whether or not you believe you can do it, and whether or not you actually want to do it. You know yourself better than anyone (especially the friendly staff here at Generation). If you start pledging, do you think you’ll be able to handle all the assignments for CHE 101? Pledging will consume a lot of your time and you’ll need to manage your “free” time wisely.

And more importantly, don’t do it because your brother wants you to. Just because he loved his fraternity doesn’t mean you are going to feel the same.

C: Well, the question you should be asking yourself is: Do I want to pay a bunch of dudes to do a bunch of rather mean, stupid, and borderline homoerotic things to me for a couple of months so that I can wear one of their stupid hoodies around the Student Union while talking about which bitch I roofied last Thursday night at PJ’s? If your answer is yes, like the many members of fraternal brotherhoods that came before you, then the GPA thing is really a moot point, because you, my friend, are what I like to call “functionally retarded.”

Q: How do I talk to girls? I’m really shy and I can never talk to the girls that I think are hot.

AM: When you see a girl you want to talk to, look for obvious signs of disaster first. If she’s with another guy, boyfriend or not, your chances of scoring (a date) are pretty slim. If she’s with all of her sorority sisters at a table in the Student Union, you’ll probably just interrupt some important party planning and she’ll make fun of your lame attempt to ask her out in front of everyone. Also, if she’s got what appears to be an engagement ring on her finger, it probably is and you’d best find another candidate. Only move in for the attack when the coast is clear.

It will be easier if you can think of something to talk about with a lady before you dive right in and ask her out. Try talking to one of the girls in your classes. Make conversation by commenting on the boring lecture you just endured or the last homework the professor assigned. Whether or not you’re actually interested in this girl, it will give you some good practice and open the gates into the dating world for you.

C: Chicks dig the strong silent type, so you should just start hanging out around her and dropping hints every once and a while about how well endowed you are. Subtly is key, so say things like, “Oh man it’s hard to sit in these desks with such an enormous package,” or, “I have an abnormally large penis.”