“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: I’m really tall and I’m always knocking my head on stuff. What can I do about this?

AM: Well, there are no special doorways for tall people like there are for people in wheelchairs. Tony, my brother who is 6’4” has the same problem. He says he’s trained himself to always watch his head. “I duck through every doorway, whether it’s high enough or not,” he says. “Literally, I do it everywhere.” In his dorm room, he always has to watch out for the fire sprinkler. “I try to walk with my head level so it doesn’t bounce on the ceiling.”

C: I have this friend Frank who used to have the same problem, but then he got his shins blown off in Iraq. Now he never has to duck to get through a doorway. Yep, your local army recruiter can do a lot for you.

Q: Is there anything else I can put in my gas tank to make my car run? My friend said urine would work.

AM: According to urine therapy advocates, urine can cure just about anything from sore throats to cancer. Unfortunately, you can’t run your car on human excretions. However, Richard Russell, an associate professor at West Virginia University discovered that pressurizing chicken waste with water could make a fuel strong enough to power diesel engines, according to wired.com. You can also run your car on biofuels, which are made from vegetable oils. But, don’t try to put a container of olive oil in your gas tank; biodiesel.com reports, “Fuel-grade biodiesel must be produced to strict industry specifications (ASTM D6751) in order to insure proper performance.”

C: Your friend was absolutely right. You should totally take his advice and do him a favor by pissing in his gas tank.

Q: I have a two-part question. First, is it true that sleeping with teachers and TAs guarantees good grades? Second, why is Tom Hanks a better actor than Bill Murray?

AM: I’m sorry, but sleeping with professors does not guarantee better marks. In most cases, you’re likely to score a few extra points, but just make sure you call her—you could also end up dropping a letter grade.

C: Well, first off, if you were a stud in the sack you would know the answer to that question to be “yes,” so I can only assume that you’re either a two-pump-chump or hung like a field mouse. All I can tell you is that the chances of your GPA being high for the horny prof’s class are about as high as your chances of boning them again after your pitiful first attempt.

AM: One could say Tom Hanks is a better actor than Bill Murray in that he has won more Oscars and has played a diverse collection of characters. Hanks’ roles are among the most memorable in American cinema like Josh in Big, Forrest Gump, and Mr. White in That Thing You Do! Consequently, Hanks is a household name.

C: Tom Hanks a better actor than Bill Murray? Jesus H. Christ, man, have you ever seen What About Bob? Go ahead and look up “thespian” in the dictionary and get back to me.

Q: I have my scrotum pierced and it’s getting infected. I don’t want to take it out. What can I do to keep it in?

AM: The scrotum is a very sensitive, but fun area to pierce. Because the skin is so thin and the lack of ventilation in your pants, however, it is prone to infections. If it was pierced too deeply (if the piercing penetrates the sac) you must remove it as the piercing was preformed incorrectly. If not, there are many things to do to help you out. You may want to consider shaving your balls—this will help to prevent future infection and allow the area to breathe. There are two things you can do in the morning, also. Believe it or not, catching a cup of your morning stream and cleaning your piercing with it will help immensely. Urine has been used for thousands of years to prevent infection, dating back to ancient Rome. If that’s not down your alley, you can prepare a sea salt soak. Combine 1/4 to 1/8 teaspoon sea salt with eight ounces of distilled or bottled water and either apply to a clean cloth or soak the piercing directly in the solution. To save time, make a large amount of solution and keep it in bottle in the fridge. Personally, sea salt soaks have saved six of my 16 piercings from serious infections in the past years and they’re probably your best bet. Just keep in mind that rough sex could cause tearing and human excretions also lead to infections—so be careful down there.

C: The scrotum? I guess you could just wait until it falls off from the infection and then stick it in a jar. That’s where they put my tonsils and adenoids after I got them taken out when I was 12. I still have them on a bookshelf at home. Neat, huh?