“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: These guys I know threw a party last weekend and they were real assholes to me. They’re throwing another party this weekend and I’m not really sure if I should go. What should I do?

AM: Is it worth it to have to spend time with these “assholes” just to drink a couple of free beers? Probably not. Don’t go to the party; spend six dollars on a six-pack and enjoy some time at home with your friends.

C: My answer and your salvation lies in just two simple words: Top Shelving. Top shelving is the art of removing one’s toilet tank cover (the thing on the top, not the toilet bowl), and then dropping a hot smash inside. The great thing about top shelving someone is that they won’t notice it until you’re long gone. By the time the flushing water takes on a rich brown color and the smell becomes too much to bear, the damage will already be done. They’ll probably spend hours cleaning your shit off the inside of their toilet, but they’ll never quite get it back to the condition it was once in. Top shelving is the gift that keeps on giving.

Q: I’m a frosh and had sex with some guys I met at PJ Bottoms. They never call me back. Any ideas?

AM: You probably want to hear that they’re just too busy with school, work, or their own “personal issues,” but the truth is they probably don’t want to talk to you anymore. If you’re looking to find a man who you can sleep with and who will call you the next evening, you’re going to have to stop giving it up on the first night. If you show that you’re easy, he’s not going to respect you or take you seriously. These men’s actions are clear messages: they’re not interested. Believe me, if a guy is into you, he’ll call. I suggest you stop initiating one-night-stands at PJs if you want something more meaningful. Even if he did call you back the next day, do you want his attention to be because he thought you were a good lay or because he was enamored with your smile and wit?

C: Remember girls: practice makes permanent, not perfect. The reason why these dudes haven’t been calling you back is because your bedroom skillz are most likely lacking. What you need is some good solid feedback on your performance, not just tons of drunken groping experience following some bad dancing to selected Bon Jovi songs. I give lessons if you need any help. Oh, and there’s a chance you may be a 4 a.m. girl (i.e. “It’s 4 a.m. dude, just get a girl.” “But who?” “It doesn’t matter, bar’s closing, any girl.”).

Q: My girlfriend is really jealous. Whenever I go out with my friends, she calls my cell a million times and gets pissed when I tell her where I am. I’m not lying to her and I’m not cheating on her. How can I chill her out?

AM: Maybe you’re not giving her enough attention. Just because you answer her phone calls and questions doesn’t mean that you’re being a good boyfriend. Try calling her and checking in more often. Although it’s annoying to you, she might appreciate the fact that you called just to see how she is. This will probably settle her jealous nerves, as she’ll know that you’re thinking about her when she’s not forcing you to. If you try paying more attention to her and things don’t change, you may want to break up with her. If that’s just the way she is, she probably won’t change for you.

C: If you’re gonna be catching shit anyway, you might as well start spreading your wild oats. I suggest finding a nice young lady like the one from the above question. She seems to be pretty easy.

Q: What’s the deal with us not getting off for Columbus Day?

AM: In the month of October, UB students get two days off for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Having another day off would take too much classroom time away from professors and students. Also, Columbus didn’t actually “discover” anything—there were indigenous peoples living in the continent that Westerners dubbed “the New World” and besides, another group of Europeans had been there first: the Vikings. For these reasons, among others, the observation of Columbus Day generally has not been accepted across universities.

C: Some of us don’t feel that it’s necessary to celebrate the systematic murder, rape, and pillage of almost an entire race of American Indians by taking a day off from school which will be spent losing our tuition to some former chief’s grandson at the casino that he now runs.