“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: When my roommate and I moved into our dorm, we agreed not to smoke pot in the room. Now, whenever I come home, the room reeks like weed. I’ve confronted her about it but she claims it’s not her. I’m worried the RA is gonna smell it and write me up. What should I do?

AM: Since you already confronted her, the situation probably won’t change. You could go talk to your RA about it, but there’s nothing he can do if there’s no evidence. If you can’t prove that she’s smoking in the room, neither can anyone else. Instead, teach her how to make a spoof out of a cardboard tube stuffed with dryer sheets. If she exhales through this, it will cut down on the smell exponentially.

JD: NEERRRRDDD!

Q: Whenever I walk to North, the geese attack me. I’m tired of running. How can I avoid this?

AM: On the walk from Ellicott to North along Lee Road, the geese are pretty much unavoidable. You could try walking on the side closest to the parking lots, but if you cross paths with a goose, don’t piss it off by trying to chase it away. The geese usually flock around Lake LaSalle, so if you want to avoid them completely, you should take Hamilton Road. This will lead you directly to the center of campus at Capen Hall and out of the geese’s war zone.

JD: You’ve got to stand up for yourself; that’s the only thing geese will respect. Most geese are just as nervous as you are on the inside, so they lash out to get attention. The next time the goose accosts you, turn and look him in the eye and say, “You know, it really hurts my feelings when you flap your wings and fling your feces at me like that. I know we don’t always get along, but you could at least respect me enough to address me in a civil manner.” But in goose, so, “KONK-KONK-KONK-KAAA-KONK…ONK…ONK…KA-KONK!”

Q: I sweat too much and it’s really embarrassing. I’ve always got wet marks on my shirts—even sweatshirts. Is there anything I can do?

AM: Speaking as someone who has overactive sweat glands (as well as every four out of five people), there are many choices you have to help you out. The first and most affordable options would be to shave your armpits and stop wearing grey clothing (the wetness is extremely visible on this color). You may want to switch deodorants, too. Make sure you are buying something with an antiperspirant in it, not just deodorant, as this is what will keep you from sweating. Certain Dri is a prescription-strength antiperspirant available over the counter and works extremely well. If you want something a little stronger you could go to the doctor’s office and they can prescribe you something better.

Just remember, sweating has only been unacceptable in this country since the introduction of countrywide advertisements for deodorant in the beginning of the twentieth century—it’s only shameful because society frowns upon it. But, physically, you’ll feel better once your underarms aren’t constantly soaked.

JD: Start bathing in gravel, like the chinchillas of South America. Just spread about an inch-thick layer on the ground, take off all your clothes, and start rolling around in the stuff. When your entire body is coated with at least 13 bits of gravel per square inch (pay special attention to those hard-to-reach areas), you can consider yourself clean. The chaffing could get pretty intense if you need to wear tight clothing or do squat thrusts or anything, but at least it’s dry. Except for the blood.

Q: My girlfriend keeps reading about new sex positions and tricks in Cosmo and they’re all so stupid. I just want to her fuck me like normal. How can I get her to stop?

AM: Try taking initiative in the bed. When she slips into one of these positions, try to ease her back into something more traditional. If this doesn’t work, explain to her that the new positions make you feel uncomfortable. But, keep in mind that you both need to share the pleasure. If she’s really enjoying the new tricks, you’ll have to compromise; yet, she also needs to respect your feelings.

You may also want to check out an issue or two of Cosmopolitan to see if this is where she’s actually learning these new techniques—she could be cheating on you.

JD: Tell her you were reading some back issues of Cosmo and you found a position of your own that you’d like to try out. Tell her it’s called The Tony Danza. Enter her from the rear and engage her in a feisty manner, occasionally adopting the accent of an Italian laborer from somewhere in New York City and shouting in exasperation, “MO-nuhh!” or “SAMAN-thuhh!” Then, when the two of you are within seconds of climax, whisper, “Tony Danza.” She’ll say, “Wha…?” SMACK! “Who’s the Boss, bitch?!”