“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: This girl the other day told me she loves me a bushel and a peck. Does this mean that she wants to grab my apples?

AM: This just means she likes you. Maybe you don’t remember the song: “I love you, a bushel and a peck!/ A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck!” If she’s talking like this, I’d say your apples are pretty safe.

C: It means she thinks you’re gay and she just wants to be friends.

Q: Let’s suppose that I were to go around chasing after girls who are trashy slut bags, would this make me a trashy slut bag? Would it be different if I were the kind of girl who doesn’t like boys?

AM: Well, I guess it all depends on what you mean by “trashy slut bags.” It’s not too often you hear a man being called a trashy slut bag as this term is confined to the female gender. Think about it—what’s an everyday word for a male slut? Gigolo? Not really. Playa? That’s not it either—it carries a positive connotation. If a man is sleeping around, no one notices. But it it’s a woman, she’s got plenty of words to describe her (tramp, whore, floozy, etc.). So, a man can’t really be a trashy slut bag. If you’re a woman chasing trashy slut bags and you fit your definition of what one is, then, yes, this would make you a trashy slut bag.

C: Yes. Yes it does. But this is not a bad thing. There are few things more beautiful in this world than two young and vivacious lesbians giving each other a thorough lick-down. But since you seem like the kind of girl who is unashamed of her sexuality and all, would you mind if my video camera and I watched?

Q: Hey you guys should make the column longer cuz it’s mad funny. I look forward to reading it every week and I’m sad when I get done with it. Keep up the good work.

AM: Thanks for the feedback and congratulations on making it past the personals. We’re on a tight budget here at Generation and can’t afford to add more pages to the magazine. If you still have a hankerin’ for more “I’m right. You’re wrong,” you can check out some of the old columns on our online archive at subboard.com/generation.

C: Shit, man. I was just saying the same thing the other day. But then Associate Editor Jake Drum slapped me was all like, “Bitch, what did I say about who’s in charge here?! Go get me a beer!” I mean, he really doesn’t mean it—he does it because he loves the magazine and me—but yeah… no dice on the extra column space.

Q: The other day, my friend sent a message to me on Facebook that was supposed to go to one of our mutual friends. In the message, she told our friend that she cheated on her boyfriend, who is also a friend of mine. I feel like I should be a good friend to the girl by not saying anything but I want her boyfriend to break up with her so I can have him. I don’t know what I should do.

AM: If you go straight to the boyfriend, it’s going to cause more trouble than it’s worth. The guy is going to feel betrayed and upset—not to mention the girl will be super pissed at you. You should talk to your friend and explain to her that she accidentally sent the message to you and that you know that she cheated on her boyfriend. If you really want to protect this guy’s feelings, you need to express that to his girlfriend. Tell her that she needs to be honest with him, and if not, you’ll tell him yourself—but only if it means that much to you.

C: Perhaps your friend is a self-styled “trashy slut bag.” Now, I don’t know if you’re familiar with these types of floozy broads, but apparently they dig chicks. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that your friend purposely sent you the message, because she wants to do you. My advice would be to take her up on this. Because it would be seriously awesome. Also, once you’ve made it with the chick, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to talk her into having a threesome with her boyfriend. Isn’t Facebook great?