Dearest Pornography,

One need only speak your name to get a sense of your awesome power. Whether you are hardcore, softcore, amateur or gangbang, you shine like a glimmering gift to the gods. You are the true spirit of America—a perfect representation of mankind’s greatest achievements.

Baby, we know that you have been garnering negative press in recent weeks due to President Bush’s advancing threats, but we understand. We just hope you realize that we need you now more than ever. There is no denying the benefit of your films, magazines, web sites and various other goods and services. You are a booster to our society.

Please don’t get discouraged and give up! You’re so fucking money, it hurts. You’re sitting pretty on top of a multi-billion dollar industry that continues to flourish in these trying economic times and you provide millions of men and women with a release from everyday life. You bring joy to our hearts and fill our minds with fantasies of fantastical orgies and anal fisting.

You give us hope.

Pornography, we here at Generation love you like no other. We hold you dear to us and we cherish every moment we get to spend with you. That is why Pulse is here to give you some encouragement—a little reminder of all that you have done for us.

Deep Throat (1972) Gerard Damiano’s film was a trailblazer. It is the enduring tale of Linda Lovelace, a young woman who just can’t seem to get off. She visits the doctor to find out what’s wrong, and after some probing (“You have no tickler!”) they discover that her clitoris is in her throat. Although the Marilyn Chambers vehicle, Behind the Green Door was released earlier in 1972 and joined with this film in jump-starting the Golden Age of Porn, pornographic films became more story-oriented as a result of Deep Throat.

Debbie Does Dallas (1978). The cheerleader fantasy has long been a staple among porn fans, and no pornographic film pulled it off better than director Jim Clark’s original masterpiece. Although the film really has nothing to do with Dallas, Texas (it is not set in the city and the Debbie doesn’t do anyone there), it does involve cheerleaders attempting to fund a trip to Dallas for a chance to try out for the Cowboy’s cheerleading squad. As Debbie (Bambi Woods) and the girls explore their job opportunities, they find that the boss man wants a little more than just time-on-the-clock. From baby-sitting to washing cars, every scenario gets more and more ridiculous. Although Debbie Does Dallas is the tamest entry in this tribute, one cannot sing porn’s praises without mentioning this classic.

The Anal Adventures of Max Hardcore: Grand Prix (1994). This Max Hardcore character has made quite a name for himself as a maverick in the industry, but he just doesn’t seem to have a grasp on porn’s traditional values. This is truly edgy material. The question that seems to drive Mr. Hardcore is, “How many dicks can I stick into one hole?” And while he has a good gimmick with his cowboy hat and socks, multiple-penetration, urination, and test tubes play a larger role in this film. The result is some of the most graphic, degrading porn ever conceived. Of course, this doesn’t mean it’s bad in any sense; it’s just not for the weak of heart. Listen, I know that Mr. Hardcore has helped give you a bad name in recent years by bringing in the Feds to investigate obscenity charges, but there is no such thing as bad publicity. Pornography, honey, you have a good thing going with Max Hardcore. He is an idea man. He is a business man. He may be a pervert, he may be a sleaze or just kind of a son-of-a-bitch, but he sells millions of videos and puts money back into the economy. For that, we give praise.

World’s Biggest GangBang (1995). You cashed in big time with this one from director John T. Bone. This is one of the highest grossing adult films ever. There is no plot here save porn actress Annabel Chong’s real-life attempt to have sex with 300 men in a rented Hollywood studio. In the end, she only ends up having sex with about 80 over a ten hour period of time, although the market wizards claim she does 251. Some of the men just come up and jerk off on her, but that hardly counts. Man-whore, Ron Jeremy, is host over the proceedings and ends up being Chong’s 251st supposed partner for the day.

The Opening of Misty Beethoven (1976). Released during the great porn craze of the mid-70’s, director Radley Metzger’s hardcore take of the My Fair Lady story is porn at its very best. It is a tasteful mix of comedy and hardcore erotica. It is also noted as one of the most elaborate pornographic films of all time. Some may be turned off by the extravagance of the plot, but it never once becomes a hindrance in getting the sex scenes properly underway. The film even spawned Misty Beethoven: The Musical in 2004. Good action, indeed.

So come on Pornography, don’t give up. After all, what would America be without people selling themselves for money?

Raph Tombasco is Pulse editor of Generation. You can call him Chuck Aldrich, like they do in the biz.