Attention hit man for hire. $5 to the first person to beat this douche bag with a sack of quarters. He is seeing a girl way too good for him. Quarters will remind him of that.

Whatever happened to ipod guy, I miss him and his shenanigans-yours tid biddy and his bitches

M-Train, I think honeydew spelled certain doom to my digestive system

To Sonic-roses are red violets are black, why is your ass as flat as your back?

Straight A's and G-strings, holy shit! You can make a hundred a night? Sign me up now! Thank you captain obvious! What a waste of precious paper sincerely, a non-stripping tree hugger.

Mangela has man-repellant!! And pet repellant!

Wanna be punk princess-I meet and/or exceed your requirements and am interested in meeting you, look for me in the union. Larry the thrasher

Someone at this school should start a lap dancing club.

Isn't perpetual motion like when you put two ice cubes next to each other and they keep cold forever?

To the crazy psycho bitch at that one party who wanted to kill me and started smashing me into the wall and making my back bleed, I LOVE YOU and I want to have sex with you.

To that freshmen aaron, you like to sucker punch people? Well im at the hip hop sa every Tuesday in the SU wit no busdrivers holdin me back. PS pj's is a freshman bar

To that hot blonde giving the sex workshops in the dorms, you can "Talk Dirty to Me" anytime you want!! To whoever hit me with a sock in the dining hall... thank you, it was the best meal I've had since I've been here. Love, Blind Jets Fan.

To all the fuckers who mess with the ARTF staff watch out, stop harassing our workers or we're arresting your ass. We're offering you a free fucking service, don't abuse it. With all fucking consideracy ARTF workers.

Dear Punk Princess Wannabe with a punk fetish: I'm your average punk-emo kid with 2 legs AND a penis, Guess I qualify. Oh, and I have a personality and a guitar. Hit me up sometime. - Joe from Goodyear

Wow, that shit works pretty well, eh? Upper level magazine editors seeking female with two legs and a vagina for relationship solely based on sex. Must be willing to be ignored, pulse optional. Inquire at 315 Student Union.

You rock my socks, shoes, and WORLD! Shout out to Virginians! - IKC"

Dear Toe man, Your poppa toe is HUGEEE!! I don't know why it is so big but it is Definitely mutated. If anyone wants to see this enormous motherfucker please facebook Bobby cuz it can def pleasure the girls a lot better then most dicks

To the beautiful pigtailed blonde who sits next to me while I sleep before BIO302 - I like you're pink coat - the loser from your chem lab.

Dearest Kevin, I have not clue one what “CKT” means, but I sincerely hope that when you are finally trapped into an unhappy marriage with whatever fat and horribly unattractive wife will have you, that your children come out with downs syndrom.

See the extended letters page for an extremely long personals response that was too big to print here.