Q: Since I got back from winter break there’s been this strange smell in my room. What is it?

AM: Have you inspected your minifridge? If you left the door closed over break, it could cause a nasty stench (believe me—I made that mistake freshman year). Cleaning it out with some bleach should do the trick. Just remember to open a window for ventilation while you’re scrubbing the fungus off. If it’s not that, there’s a chance you left an old carton of milk or half-eaten sandwich under the bed. Regardless, you (and your roommates, if you have them) need to do a thorough cleaning. Change your sheets. Mop the floor. Use cleaning detergents—water and paper towels are quick but don’t clean much.

C: Shit man, that reminds me of that summer I spent in Biloxi, Mississippi working as a steamboat deckhand. It was one sultry night in mid-July—you know, the kind of heat where you have to remove the shirt from your back with a spatula at the end of the day—and I was just leaving the local beer joint, admittedly a bit sauced up. I ran into Henry as I was walking by the docks on the way back to my boarding house when he lunged at me. I knew him from around, he was the rowdy local type—never had a job or purpose, probably the product of incest or fetal alcohol syndrome. Anyway, Henry came at me, reeking of whiskey and his own urine, wielding a broken bottle of Schlitz. At first I just tried to subdue him, but I guess I didn’t know my own strength, or I was drunker than I thought, because the next thing I knew, I was holding Henry’s limp, lifeless body in my arms. I took him back to the boarding house and hid him under its giant front porch. A few days later when I got home from work, there was the most awful smell wafting up into my window. It was then that I realized my predicament, so I left Miss Eliza—the old woman who ran the boarding house—three months board, skipped my nightly meal of chitlins and collard greens, stuffed my duffle bag to its gills, and hopped the first train back to Buffalo the next morning. I never did find out if they found Henry’s body, but it’s cool—he was a hobo, and they’re not people anyway.

Q: So, I really love my boyfriend and I love being with him but lately it seems like he’s always around. How can I tell him that I need a little privacy?

AM: Well, honesty is the best policy. Just tell him. If he really cares about you, he will respect your needs. It’s important to have time to yourself just as it’s important for him to do his own things too. It’s also nice to have the bed to yourself sometimes.

C: Start wearing tube tops and skirts that barely cover your naughty bits. Then flirt heavily with all of his friends. Nothing says “I want privacy” like having your boyfriend being asked to leave the room so his girlfriend can have a train run on her.

Q: I really want to masturbate but my roommate never leaves the room. He’s such a nerd.

AM: Whatever happens, don’t masturbate when you think he’s fallen asleep. You don’t want to be that guy. The shower is an excellent alternative. Just make sure to clean up when you’re finished—no one wants to wake up to cum in the drain.

C: Just whip it out and start beating off. I’m pretty sure he’ll leave the room.

Q: I like to go drinking at the bars a lot but my girlfriend doesn’t drink. How can I get her to share my habit?

AM: Well, if she doesn’t like to drink, she’s not going to drink. Maybe instead of going to the bar, you could plan an evening with her with a bottle of wine. Or maybe you could just spend some time with your girlfriend without getting drunk (gasp!). You said yourself that it was a habit, and I’m sure you’re aware of the effects of heavy drinking. If you can’t spend some quality sober time with her, you should think about talking to a counselor about your alcohol problem.

C: You should probably just dump her.