So you’re beginning your second semester here at the University at Buffalo, and you think you have a pretty good grip on this place. You are wrong.

There will be a group of 15-20 students that you will see every day for the rest of your time at UB. You will never speak to these people. (Remember: just because you talk to someone in class does not make them your friend.) Any attempts to head-nod or start conversation with them outside the confines of the campus environment will be alternately awkward or shunned.

If you were a nerd in high school, come from a small town, or your major is currently listed as “undecided,” feel free to break away from your roots and adopt a radically different personality and set of beliefs at the start of each new semester. No one will notice, as they are doing the same thing.

You will spend more time holding doors open for people than studying for World Civ. This will not affect your grade.

Getting an A has nothing to do with your best effort. Figure out how well the rest of the class is doing and then do only the minimum amount of work that will put you within the top few scores.

If someone tells you they’re from “The City,” that does not necessarily mean they’re from New York City. Fail to heed this warning and you will be spending weekends with your roommate’s friend in some strip mall shanty-town in Rockland County shotgunning Coors Light and fighting for seats on the MTA North with the cast of Growing Up Gotti.

Meal plans are a complete waste of money. Not in the you-should-just-get-all-Dining-Dollars kind of way, but in the you-could-be using-your-parents’-money-for-much-better-stuff way. Get Campus Cash. Not only can you purchase better food, but you can also buy cigarettes, Dutches, iPods, video games (and their corresponding consoles), magazines, condoms, and even Spring Break trips in place of lukewarm chicken finger subs from Hubie’s.

So, you got a 1560 on your SATs and you have two semesters’ worth of AP credits from high school, where you were valedictorian. First off, things aren’t going exactly as you’d planned, eh? Don’t worry. Just know that, try as you might, you’ll only score an infuriating .3 GPA points higher than the English major down the hall who never goes to class due to a perpetual hangover and has a paid membership on SparkNotes.com.

Finding a good academic advisor on campus will be like finding good drugs in high school. They’re never as good as the hype, you don’t see them until senior year, and by that time you’ve already made other arrangements.

You will hear that the best way to avoid foot fungus is to wear flip-flops in the shower. While this is partially true, it is misguided. The only surefire way to avoid foot fungus is not to shower—and to avoid Ellicott at all costs.

Contrary to what you’ve been told, South Campus is neither downtown Buffalo nor the area in which you will find the best parties. It is a good 15 miles away from anything that even closely resembles an urban area, and the only festivities you will find are those that are sanctioned by Greek organizations who will overcharge you for empty kegs of cheap beer before slipping your girlfriend a roofie. If metropolitan life is what you crave, you should know that the city of Buffalo is for all intents and purposes a suburb of Toronto. If you learned to drive on the Long Island Expressway, it’s only a brief 45 minutes away.

While we’re on the subject, if you live on South Campus you are a second-class citizen. Deal with it.

People say that the best place to move your bowels on campus is on the fifth floor of Lockwood. This is not true. There is actually no good place to drop a deuce on the spine, but if you find it absolutely necessary, Lockwood’s fourth floor is your best bet. Everyone else goes upstairs.

The snow we got first semester did not count. Winter in Buffalo starts in January, ends in June, and the cold never stops hurting. Ditch the North Face jacket, buy a real coat, and learn to start sleeping late to conserve energy.

Cheers,

You in Three Years