“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: I want to eat seafood with a JAP but I don’t think they make kosher crabs. How do I get her to just eat the meat?

AM: According to Leviticus 11:9, an animal that is found “in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers” and that has “fins and scales” is allowed to be eaten. However, there are more technicalities, such as how easily the scales are removed from the body, which must be considered before it is can be proclaimed kosher. Unfortunately, crab (along with other sea creatures like squid, lobster, shrimp, shark, and eel) is considered non-kosher. You probably won’t get her to eat your… I mean, the meat.

C: Eat? Seafood? Is this some kind of poorly constructed attempt at a backhanded cunnilingus joke? But wait—then you hit me with “crabs.” It’s like… like you’re on fire and I’m just stuck here trying to respond to the comedic ashes that you left me with. I mean, why do I even bother coming up with these witty responses when there are people like you out there who can tell the jokes for me? Christ, you should be the one answering these questions, not me. But seriously, stick to the personals, chief.

Q: My girlfriend really loves bondage, but I don’t. She always asks me to tie her up and choke her a little. It really creeps me out and I don’t wanna do it, but if I don’t, she gets mad. What should I do?

AM: You need to be assertive. It’s not okay for you to do something that you’re not comfortable with and your girlfriend needs to respect that. If you want your relationship to work, you need to be compatible in all areas—especially during sex. It sounds like she’s not willing to compromise for you and I think it might do you good to break up with her and find someone a little more “traditional.”

C: OK, alright. I get it. You’re thinking I’m an asshole, so you want me to be all like, “Maybe you should just choke her out next time, that’ll teach her.” Then you’ll laugh and show all of your friends how funny you are and that you got the “I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” guy to say something crazy. But you know what? Fuck that. That shit’s weird—and not weird in the my-girlfriend-likes-me-to-suck-her-toes kind of way, but weird in the lead-singer-of-INXS kind of way. That said, you should probably just get her all fired up, rope her down, and then dump her.

Q: Valentine’s Day is coming up and it always makes me feel depressed and lonely. I just want a girl to hang out with and be romantic with for once in my life. What should I do?

AM: You shouldn’t put so much emphasis on this holiday. Instead of watching cheesy movies on TV and moping around the house all night, you could plan something to do with your friends. Valentine’s Day can be painful for singles, especially with all the hype, but renting a new Xbox 360 game or checking out a new bar with your buddies will keep your mind off the festivities.

C: What? Are you seriously putting your dating fate in my hands? Have you seen the way I answer these things? Dude, the only advice I can offer you is to buy loads and loads of Vaseline, because there’s not a chance in hell of your getting laid on VDay.

Q: I’m a stripper and I’m hot. A lot of men would love to be in my man’s place—so why doesn’t he want to touch me?

AM: If your boyfriend is okay with your job, then it must not be the reason he doesn’t want to touch you. He wouldn’t have started dating you if he had a problem with it. My gut instincts are telling me you may have a hygiene problem. Maybe your skin is getting dry in these winter months. After you get out of the shower, you can deep-moisturize your skin with baby oil. Another possibility could be feminine odor. This is caused by a pH imbalance in the vagina. Don’t clean with regular soap and do not overclean—this kills good vaginal bacteria, which then leads to infection. A grapefruit seed extract douche is a good way to clean without killing those bacteria. There are also some over-the-counter creams and sprays you can use to nix the offensive odor. If these suggestions don’t help, just ask your man what’s up.

C: Perhaps it’s the fact that a lot of men have been in your man’s place? I dunno, just a thought. And by the way, what’s up with you people this week? Is it too much to ask to get just a few decent fucking questions for this column?