Ah, V-Day! The annual battle has arrived, where couples attack single people everywhere with overt public displays of affection, lace, hearts, cherubs, chocolate, and other lethal forms of romance. Perhaps you’re reading this because you’ve recently split with your significant other, he or she is far from Buffalo, or you are just plain alone…again. Well, Generation’s single Generals in the War on V-Day, with over forty years of combined solo experience, are here to help you! We prepared some spicy, new tactics that will definitely beat crying into your pillow while watching The Notebook.
1. Blow-up Dolls: These inflatable friends are our idea of an ideal date. You’ll never fight with them, they will never say “No,” and they won’t tell you “I’m pregnant” as a joke. You can buy muscular men, curvaceous women, and sheep that never kick. Once you select your best fit, you get to decide what to do next. Inflatable friends can be found at any reliable adult store. Prices range from around $20 and up. Used rates available.
2. Dinner: Grab your blow-up doll and head over to the “By Reservation Only…” dinner at the Center for Tomorrow where you can use your meal plan, dining dollars, or campus cash!
3. …And A Movie: What’s a romantic night without dinner and a movie? Grab a cab and head to Talk of the Town adult theater and arcade on Niagara Falls Boulevard. This place is a frat party, pirated porn, and dorm-bed sex with your roommates watching, all rolled into one!
4. Mail-Order Bride: If marriage is your thing, then pull out that emergency credit card Mommy and Daddy gave you. You’re alone and scared, right? Type in www.goodwife.com and before you know it, you’ll have a bevy of lovely, international ladies right at your fingertips. Just think of how jealous your whipped best friend will be when you roll in with Natalia and all he has is his anal-retentive girlfriend of three years…plus the thirty pounds she gained from all that chocolate he bought her.
5. Rabbit Vibrator: Ladies, nothing says, “I love myself,” like a “My First Wabbit” vibrator. (Available at X-sentuals in Williamsville for $36.00.) Just pretend you’re Jessica Rabbit having an affair with Bugs Bunny and you’ll be tumbling down the rabbit hole in no time!
6. Feet Parties: Develop a foot fetish and seek out your nearest party where you can massage, suck, and admire the feet of many lovely ladies and men. (www.footnights.com.)
7. Lord of the Rings Orgy: We could not think of a better way to spend an otherwise lonely V-Day than at a LOTR-themed orgy in somebody’s parents’ basement. It’s a perfect way for people with imperfect bodies to remain in character and get some action. However, make sure to coordinate costumes to avoid any embarrassments. Not everyone can be Aragorn.
8. Domination: Did your ex ever tell you that you were a control freak? Check out the Buffalo’s People Exchanging Power, an organization that specializes in domination and S&M. (www.pepbuffalo.com) You don’t need love; you just need to chain someone to a dungeon wall and beat them with a leather whip.
9. 1-900 Numbers: There are hundreds of eager people waiting on the other end of a 900 number to call for conversational companionship. You can get up-to-the-minute weather reports, hear the line of the big game, or get your astrological reading. If that does not “do it” for you, then there are always numbers like 1-900-WET-SLUT to dial. You big pervert.
10. Rosy Palm and Her Five Sisters: Let’s face it guys, we all do it…five times a day— sometimes more on the weekends or if there’s an Ellen Degeneres marathon on TV. However, why not make this V-Day one to remember? Rather than shoot for a record, a better trick is to switch hands and it will feel like an entirely different person is doing it. (Not that we know.)
And you thought it was going to be just another pathetic Valentine’s Day.
