Every Valentines Day, people buy roses and chocolate by the truckload. What if your Valentine is lactose intolerant? Or has pollen allergies? For that matter, who wants another candlelit dinner full of handholding and eye-gazing? That typical date is so worn out it didn’t even pay for the rips in its jeans.

This Valentines Day, plan something special to celebrate your appreciation for curly-haired cherubs in Huggies. I’m not suggesting you dress up like Cupid and run around the Student Union shooting people with arrows (although that does sound like the perfect Valentines activity). Why not drive your date to a cheap motel? “But, no,” you say, “I don’t even know where to go! Where can I find a secluded love nest to take my boo for a truly special V-day porkfest?” Well, young grasshopper, look no further. Our expert team of shady characters did all the grunt work for you.

Driving along Niagara Falls Boulevard (NFB), only minutes away from UB North Campus, our team finally came upon 1900 NFB, the location of the acclaimed Relax Inn. It boasted of quality rooms, affordable prices (rooms starting at forty one dollars per night), free continental breakfast (hangover cure!), and best of all, Jacuzzi suites. Sound too good to be true?

We were ushered into a large room, featuring a king-sized bed, a television with over seventy channels including HBO, and a VCR. So far, I was impressed. You can watch either softcore porn, or if you’re smart and make a pit stop at the video store, real porn. This room had a fridge, a microwave, and I haven’t even gotten to the best part. In the corner next to the bed was the moneyshot—a heart-shaped Jacuzzi, framed on two sides by gigantic mirrors for the DIY porno effect without the night vision camcorder. The adjoining bathroom is equipped with a toilet, mirror, sink, and shower. There’s even an ashtray on top of the nightstand for that inevitable post-coital cigarette.

So, we decided to try it out. The fridge was cold, the TV worked perfectly, and the bed was surprisingly soft and comfortable, although most likely not as clean as it appeared. To avoid highly likely contact with other peoples’ dried up bodily fluids, I recommend bringing an extra couple of sheets—one for the bed, and one to separate your naked body from the inside of that quilt. Next, we tested the heart-shaped Jacuzzi. Appearances were not deceiving, and we could easily fit two people into this shiny white tub without any cramped side-effects. Alex decided to really get comfortable, and stripped down to his boxers and beater before getting in. “Yes,” we decided, “this room is the perfect place for a Valentines date.” Unfortunately, just as Alex was getting his clothing back on, the desk clerk walked into the room. He yelled, “What are you doing? I did not say this was ok! You tracked snow everywhere. Get out! Leave!” He was anything but pleased. This looked like the end of our motel adventure. We tried to explain that we were only taking pictures, and not having some kind of five-minute three-way/porn shoot, but he would not be persuaded. To the accented yelling of an angry Indian man, we grabbed our bags and ran away. However, this will assuredly not happen to you on Valentines Day. Just remember to pay for that fabulous room. Barry White album not included.