“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: I think I have bronchitis. All my friends keep telling me to go see Michael Hall, but I don’t know who that is. Where can I find him?

AM: Michael Hall isn’t a person; it’s the Student Medical Center down on South Campus. If you think you have bronchitis, you should call as soon as possible to make an appointment. Until you can get there, drink plenty of fluids, but try to stay away from dairy products—they may cause more mucous buildup. Your body needs to get rid of the extra mucus, and the best way to do this is through coughing. By taking cough suppressants, the mucus becomes trapped in your body, which may lead to worse illnesses, like pneumonia.

C: Yeah, I know Mikey. That guy used to live down the hall from me freshman year. He used to have all the best shit. I remember this one time when he stayed up for, like, four days straight on this coke binge doing nothing but playing Madden 2003 on Playstation 2—we didn’t have your fancy Xbox 360s back in the day—and then, all of sudden, he just up and decided to drive to Florida. He was gone for three weeks, and we all just figured he was dead or in jail or had dropped out or something. But then this one day, his Honda Civic just showed back up in the Red Jacket parking lot and he was back around. He never really told us what he did down there, we all just assumed he was buying drugs or something. I think he ended up dropping out eventually, but I believe he still lives at the SAMmy house in the Heights. Weird guy, that Mikey. But I don’t know what he could do for your bronchitis.

Q: My friend is 5’7” and I’m 5’5”. We both weigh 135 pounds, but my friend tells me that I should lose weight because she’s taller than me and we shouldn’t weigh the same amount. How much weight can I lose without being underweight, and how can I begin the process?

AM: Based on the standard height/weight chart, you’re right where you’re supposed to be. A medium-framed woman of your height should weigh between 127 and141 pounds—you’re right in the middle. But you can’t base your life around a chart like this. These numbers are averages, and every person is unique. I wouldn’t suggest trying to lose any weight, but you can still make some lifestyle changes to become healthier. By eating more fruits and vegetables, watching your portion sizes, and exercising at least three times a week, you will feel better and also start to tone your muscles in time for bikini weather.

C: You should seduce her boyfriend and start sleeping with him so that the next time she makes a comment, you can be all like, “Your boyfriend says he likes the extra cushion because sleeping with you is like fucking a 12-year-old boy.”

Q: Can I get pregnant from having anal sex?

AM: Well, if any of the semen comes in contact with your vagina, there is a possibility you could get pregnant. Either way, you should be practicing safe sex—use a condom (STDs are also transmitted anally).

C: Yes. And you can also get preggers from masturbation, thinking impure thoughts, swimming less than 30 minutes after eating, not brushing your teeth twice a day, eating too much chocolate, and fraternizing with Canadians.

Q: The other night, my roommate had his girlfriend over and they started having sex in the room when they thought I was asleep. Should I approach him about it? I’m afraid it’s going to happen again.

AM: Chances are, it will happen again if you don’t say something. Just let him know that the other night you were actually awake, and ask him not to have sex while you’re in the room. Maybe you two could make a compromise—when he wants to be with his girlfriend, you could go down to the common area or a friend’s room for an hour or so. Obviously, he would be obligated to do the same for you.

C: Dude. The Internet. Do you have any idea how much money you could make off catching that shit on your webcam? And then, you can just send your roommate an email with a link to amateurcollegeporn.com or wherever you sell it to with a subject like “ v1agara! c1alis! y0ur gr1lfrend i5 a 5lut!” Or, better yet, send the link to his girlfriend’s mom, with a subject like, “Info about your UB student’s upcoming graduation.”