“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: I find it is a lot easier to find a piece of ass on campus and in my daily life than under the loud blaring of club music. Not to mention women travel in you’re-not-getting-any pods in the clubs. What is the best way to pick up loose women in the club?

AM: Well, if you’re not having any luck in the clubs, maybe you need to search for women in other venues. You could try going to bars geared towards different crowds or to concerts. You may also want to scope out the supermarket scene—you never know who you’ll bump into turning down the aisle.

C: You’re just not going to the right clubs. Two words: gay bar. Do you have any idea how much fine, unattached gash is at any given gay bar at one time? A lot, my friend. A lot. See, the thing is, gay dudes act as surrogate boyfriends for their mega-hot female friends. They dress stylishly, listen intently to inane gossip, and—for the most part—are fabulous dancers. The only thing these chicks don’t get from these guys is sex. So, if you show up at, say, one o’clockish or so, these chicks have already been wined and dined—they’re primed for you to seal the deal. Gay bars, dude. Gay bars.

Q: My doctor was giving me an exam and checking my anus and, all of a sudden, he stuck his finger in without telling me first. Is this rape?

AM: Doctors may use surprise-tactics when examining this area. Think about it—if he had told you first that he was going to stick his finger in your butt, you would have probably clenched and it would’ve been a lot worse.

C: I saw a movie about this on the Internet once. It was pretty cool up until the part with the midget and the syringe. I’m not down with shit like that. But judging from my limited experience, yeah, you totally got violated.

Q: When I first came to UB, I joined this sorority. Now, I totally hate it and I want to leave, but I’m afraid my sisters are going to hate me. Do you think it’s worth it?

AM: You need to do what’s right for you. Friends may come and go, but you have to take care of yourself first.

C: Oh God, that would be horrible! I mean, if all of those catty bitches who incessantly talk shit about you behind your back were to stop liking you to your face, what would you ever do? And the sweatpants! You’d never be able to wear those god-awful sweatpants with the trashy Greek letters emblazoned across the ass again! But on the plus side, the next time you get tanked and blow one of your sisters’ boyfriends, you won’t have to lie about it the next morning.

Q: I have a big midterm coming up this Friday. Where’s the best place to study on campus?

AM: I am and forever will be a fan of Lockwood Library. The fourth and fifth floors are extremely quiet and the cubicles provide adequate privacy. The wireless Internet doesn’t quite make it that high, but I see this as a good thing—no Internet = less distraction. If you prefer a more open environment, you can go to the Capen quiet study area or the group study area downstairs, but I find myself getting distracted with people-watching and cell phone ringtones there.

C: On the shuttle bus to whichever place on campus you’ll be taking the test, directly before you take it.

Q: I’m thinking about making cookies for my boyfriend. Should I make chocolate chip or sugar?

AM: Chocolate chip. Just remember—take them out of the oven when they have just a little bit of brown around the edges, before they look done. They will continue to cook on the pan after you remove them, so if you wait until they look brown all over, they will end up burning.

C: Is this supposed to be some kind of vague anal vs. vaginal sex question? Because your imagery is pretty weak, not to mention rather disgusting when you think about it. But I would tend to agree with Ann Marie—chocolate chip all the way. If you get my drift.