Q: I have this problem where I tend to piss and shit myself when I’m passed out drunk. It’s really starting to cut into my whole drunken weekend hookup deal.

AM: Some cheaper beers contain additives, which may have a laxative effect on drinkers. But, I think your biggest problem is that you’re passing out. Blacking out is a major sign of alcohol poisoning. You should really stop drinking so much.

C: Incontinence is nothing to get embarrassed about. I was heading home on this road trip with a friend once, and we stopped at this diner in the middle of nowhere to get a bite to eat at like three in the morning. Like all side-of-the-road joints in bumfuck towns, this place had nothing but greasy food. Anyway, he was driving, so after he polished his burger and heaping helping of fries, we sat there while he downed mug after mug of bottomless coffee. It was like watching an Irishman show off in a Mexican drinking contest. So, we pay for the food, leave the cigarette-breathed waitress a respectable trip, and hit the road for home. We’re driving for about ten minutes before it hits him: a sudden onset of coffee/grease-induced BSOD—or Burning Shit of Death for those not in the know. But the problem is, we’re driving on back roads, and there’s absolutely nowhere to stop—not to mention the fact that nothing was open. We figured we had about 45 minutes until we’d be home, so he just gritted his teeth, arched his back, and pushed his piece of shit car to the limits trying to get there. So, we make it all the way back and we’re just outside of town, knowing that there’s a 24/7 Tim Horton’s right around the corner when we get caught behind a train. He just says fuck, throws his blinkers on, pops the car into park, and runs into the woods next to the road for a much-needed release. Long story short, after all is said and done, my very relieved friend finishes up, bends down to pull up his pants, and discovers that he’s shat all over the pants that he so haphazardly dropped to take his nature shit. So yeah, incontinence sucks.

Q: This girl caught me looking at her chest the other day. If it happens again, what do I say to get out of such an awkward situation?

AM: Well, first off, you should have a little respect and look a woman in the eyes when you’re talking to her. But, if you can’t help yourself and she catches you again, you could say that you were looking at her necklace or a piece of fuzz on her shirt.

C: Cup her right boob in your hand, jiggle it around a bit like you would a melon in the supermarket, and say, “Yep. Definitely real.”

Q: I hooked up with this girl in Florida over spring break, which is kinda bad because I have a girlfriend, but I was out of a town and it was a one-time thing, so I figured I’d be in the clear. But I was grabbing a bite to eat in the Union the other today and I saw the girl there, and she recognized me. I love my girlfriend, but this girl wants to hang out with me again. What should I do?

AM: The issue here isn’t whether you should talk to this other girl again. If you love your girlfriend, it should be obvious what to do—do not talk to the other girl. What you should be concerned with is telling your girlfriend what you did. If you want to stay with her and maintain a healthy relationship, you’ll have to be honest.

C: Well, you need to look deep into your heart and ask yourself this one question: which of these girls is hotter? I think your course of action should be pretty obvious after that. If not, cup the spring break chick’s right boob in your hand, jiggle it around a bit like you would a melon in the supermarket, and say, “So what’s your stance on threesomes?”

Q: Lately, I’ve been getting nosebleeds. What’s the best way to stop them?

AM: First of all, don’t tilt your head back—this will cause blood to flow down your throat and into your stomach, which may cause you to vomit. Instead, lean forward a tiny bit and blow any blood clots out. Then, pinch your nostrils together for ten minutes and apply an ice pack. After the bleeding stops, don’t blow or touch your nose for about a day. If the bleeding doesn’t stop after ten minutes, pinch for another ten. If it doesn’t stop after that, you’ll want to call a doctor.

C: Don’t crush your adderall up and play like you’re Pablo Escobar. Just swallow it whole like the rest of us. Fuckin’ loser.