The Bongest Day
by Ryan “Moss” Yaeger
Put down the book bags and pick up the dime bags; April 20 is fast approaching!
Once again, this highly anticipated annual event celebrating the coinciding of date 4/20 with common pot-puffing euphemism 420 arrives later this month. Smokers around the area have already begun preparations well in advance of the expected revelry.
“Yeah man, I’ve totally been saving my money for, like, three months, man,” commented one UB student, who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s gonna be great, dude. I’m skipping all my classes to smoke weed. You should stop by.”
Regardless of how you roll, it’ll be hard to avoid the effect that April 20 will have campus-wide. It is notoriously one of the most unattended class days of the semester, with many students choosing to play Frisbee or stay in smoke-filled seclusion for the day rather than have class harsh their mellow.
Speaking of harshed mellows, Campus Police has plans to step up enforcement on April 20 to combat the prevalence of pot. “We’ll get those bong-tokers,” said John Grela, Chief of Campus Police, in a statement he hoped would discourage would-be stoners.
However, drawing inspiration from such annual events as the yearly smoke-out held at the University of Colorado, local dopers have begun organizing plans to make their pipe-dreams a reality. While the final details have yet to be released, campus drug dealers relayed intent to hold a smoke-out in the large field between the Union and CFA. Ideas being passed around include a cross-campus bong relay race, a joint-rolling competition, and throwing rocks at an effigy of South Park’s “Towelie” filled with intoxicating cannabis for an evening “stoning,” according to various reports heard bubbling across campus.
As always, Generation wishes you the best on the day and implores you to smoke a blut!!1
1337 @ UB? R0x0r!
by Tom Lillis
According to a press release issued Monday by the office of Uday Sukhatme, dean of the University at Buffalo’s College of Arts and Sciences, a brand new language department will be added to UB for the fall 2006 semester. “We are pleased to announce the creation of the Department of Internet Languages,” reads the release. “Starting this upcoming fall semester, the department will be offering classes in its first featured language, 1337, pronounced ‘leet.’”
“1337 is the native language of teenage boys who play online games,” explains Jason “d00m457er” Witkowski, 17, newly-designated professor of 1337 and the first hire by the Department of Internet Languages. “It’s sort of like a dialect of English, but totally different. ‘Cuz, I mean, dude, sometimes we spell stuff with numbers. Sometimes we just spell stuff totally wrong! It’s awesome, because then n00bs can’t understand us.”
When asked about the unusually young age of the new professor, Dean Sukhatme explained, “We couldn’t find an actual adult who knew how to speak 1337, so we went looking for the finest players of Counterstrike and World of Warcraft in Western New York’s high schools. Professor Witkowski was the result of that search.” He paused for a moment, then continued, “We really need the press that this thing is going to get us. We just picked someone at random. That’s off the record, right?”
Not everyone is pleased with the creation of the new department. LGBTA is planning to formally protest the teaching of 1337 at UB due to what they perceived to be “ a strain of homophobia ingrained in the language,” according to Lacey James, the organization’s president. James is referring to the 1337 term for things they feel to be inferior, “teh ghey.”
According to current plans, the department will offer three classes in its first semester: L7 101 – 1337 4 n00bz, L7 201 – 1337 4 h4X0rs, and L7 301 – 1337 4 1337 h4X0rs. L7 101 is open to any interested student. L7 201 and 301 will reportedly be initially limited to those students with sizeable and quality pr0n collections on DC++.
Mothers, Hide Your Daughters
Adam Hojnacki
This past Monday, March 27, a memo was sent to the Generation office with very exciting news. Chuck Norris will be headlining the twentieth annual University at Buffalo Distinguished Speaker Series for the ‘06-‘07 school year. The exact date for his performance has not been picked due to what officials are calling a problem of “inferior awesomeness.” The university is apparently having trouble signing on other acts to fill the dates because they fail in comparison to Mr. Norris. However, due to the coming of Chuck Norris, school officials are even wondering if it is worth trying to hire anyone else for fear of let down and poor attendance.
Initially UB had his holiness, the Dalai Lama scheduled to be the closing distinguished speaker for the upcoming year. However, because of the student uproar and the Dalai Lama’s intensive golf schedule that made it difficult for booking, the university decided to drop the Dalai Lama as their headlining act.
“Who the fuck wants to hear an old-ass Asian in a bathrobe speak,” says Dominique Agar, a fifth year dance major. “Chuck Norris is the truth, kid. I heard he farted once, and that shit put a deer to sleep. Deer never sleep.”
Not only is everyone at the university excited to land a living hero like Chuck Norris, he also agreed to be the keynote speaker for free under the condition that all students learn martial arts. Incoming UB freshman starting in the ‘06-‘07 school year will be required to take ATH 130, Intro to Martial Arts. It will be a prerequisite to graduate regardless of your major. In addition there will also be a Chuck Norris studies major added to the humanities department.
Bush Announces Third Term Hopes, Cheney Resigns
Charles Wiff
WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced late last night that, in an unprecedented move, he will be seeking the Republican party’s nomination for presidential candidate in the upcoming 2008 election. He also announced that his vice president, Dick Cheney, will be stepping down from his position sometime this month, on account of what the president calls a “bum ticker.”
Of his third term aspirations, Bush said, “We just haven’t had enough time to fix the nation. And the threat of terrorism is an ever present menace that continually threatens our nation’s borders. It’s like they say in Texas: Ya don’t go a’grabbin’ the dinner bell ‘fore the meat’s cooked!”
When reporters from Generation pointed out that his position is limited to two terms by the XXII Amendment, the president dismissed all arguments with a wave of his hand. “The Struggle for Democracy in Iraq supersuceeds all that legal jibber-jabber. Bottom line?” the president said, leaning over the podium. “In these troubled times, the government has to move fast… like a greased rattlesnake.”
The vice president’s resignation came without precursor, but the president focused on Cheney’s work in office rather than the details under which he will be leaving. “Dick’s always been there for me, handling the details,” the president said. “You might think Dick’s always in the background, but really, I’m the one behind Dick.”
It appeared as if the president might get emotional, but he quickly launched into a lengthy relation of the vice president’s recent visit to his Crawford, Texas ranch, where they reportedly cleared 3.8 acres of brush over a two-week period. The president summed up the story by saying “I think I speak for everyone in the state of Texas in welcoming Dick back anytime…We were friends before, but in the past few years, I’ve really come to accept Dick.” The president continued, “The size of Dick’s character has left a mark on me that will not soon be forgotten.” Before stepping away form the podium, his eyes heavy with fatigue, the president said thoughtfully, “My vice president’s departure will be an emotional one. I guess you could say we’ll all be sad when Dick pulls out of the White House.”
UB Pharmacy Department to Head Herbal Research
Ann Marie Olivo
The pharmacy department at the University at Buffalo announced on March 27 that they are to begin a new study in the field of medicinal marijuana. Researchers have found that inhaling the smoke from the burning leaves of the cured flowers and gathered trichomes of the female cannabis plant can relieve intraocular pressure associated with blindness in glaucoma patients and helps the lost of appetite found in chemotherapy and AIDS patients. The study, which will be run by Dr. Candace Johnson and Dr. Murali Ramanathan of the pharmacy department, will require 500 test subjects to smoke three marijuana cigarettes for 200 days. The reason? To see whether marijuana can be used in the prevention of migraines.
In September 2006, Johnson and Ramanathan will begin their research while UB students start their fall semester. They are looking towards UB students as test subjects. “Although it is not a paid study, we figure we won’t have a hard time finding subjects on a college campus,” said Ramanathan. Subjects will be required to smoke the full three marijuana cigarettes every day and keep a daily journal of their headaches. The doctors have begun to accept applications for the study. “So far, we’ve seen the opposite of what we expected,” said Johnson. “The majority of the applicants are respectable, good-looking students—not the kind that you’d expect to be smoking ‘grass’ or whatever those hippies call it now.”
Michael Perry, a sophomore English major, was denied acceptance into the study. “Yeah, man,” he said, “I mean, I walked into that office and everyone was, like, looking at me and stuff. I mean, it was just like… unreal. Then they called me in, but the one doctor, she was, like, looking at me all funny, and I thought to myself, ‘Maybe she knows I’m high,’ but I don’t think she did. ” Mary Hill has been accepted and is very optimistic about the effect the research will have. “I have suffered from migraines all my life,” she said. “People don’t understand how debilitating they are. We may be looking at a way to prevent them. And now I finally have a reason to smoke weed. Well, more weed.”
What’d You Call Me?
Christopher Drellow
William Ussy is part of a new action group on campus forcing reform in the IT department. “We’re sick of banal, meaningless person numbers and UBIT names,” Ussy said. He is referring to his own email address: wussy@buffalo.edu.
Ussy has decided to change his name to Midnight Hawk. Each member of his action group has taken on a new moniker from Blood Rain to Nightmare Doomer.
Midnight Hawk is president of the group who calls themselves Students Not Numbers (SNN), who are out to change the way information is assigned to incoming students.
The accounts department, when asked for comment, was slow to accept the necessity of such a change. “Sometimes people will get UBIT names that are offensive words in other languages, and in such cases we’ll honor a request for change. But in cases such as Mr. Ussy’s it’s honestly just really, really stupid.”
Hugh Gregory Epansy is an employee in the IT department, and his opinion of the situation is slightly different than the accounts department’s. “When I was hired and saw that my email address would be hugepansy@buffalo.edu, I was more than a little upset,” Epansy said.
The members of SNN have been protesting by sending personal emails to President Simpson and enlisting the UBIT Help Desk to change the UB president’s initials to “O.J.”
