[Editors note: Although both authors of this feature ran for executive board spots in last week’s SA elections, Generation felt it would be interesting to get an inside view of the campaign process. We also know their work ethics and are confident that they will be able to document the election with the objective, reasoned speculation of professionals.]

So, did you all have fun playing Madden last week?

Last Tuesday through Thursday, the Student Union was host to the Student Association’s annual three-ring circus known as elections. Congratulations to the 2,347 students who turned out to cast their votes and brave the onslaught of vapid, meaningless campaigning that descended upon North Campus. And shame, shame, shame on you for tossing away, as usual, the opportunity to offer yourselves something new next year and handing UB Assvocates’ Viqar Hussain and Leslie Meister the crown for prettiest girls in school by ten measly votes. At least you managed to prevent a complete shut-out by placing Progress’ Peter Grollitsch and Rob Mercurio in treasurer and delegate seats, respectively. Give yourselves a pat on the back. Then a punch in the face.

The state of the SA didn’t seem to dissuade many students from casting their vote for the “incumbent” party UB Assvocates. No doubt the paltry 12 percent of the student body who actually bothered to vote were enticed by the posters and flyers that showed the candidates together in a semi-circle. Any group that can stand so ably in a slight arc is no doubt deserving of high-level SA positions.

Or perhaps it was the airtight strategies both major parties—UB Assvocates and Progress—employed at the SU that summoned up the “landmark” number of votes. On Wednesday, the second floor of the Union had the delightful, carefree air of a whorehouse as Assvocates supporters, poured into miniscule cocktail dresses, handed out both flyers and a free peep show to prospective voters. Downstairs, Progress groupies were all but crouched on their knees, tongues outstretched, to receive the votes from UB Evolved’s executive candidates, who prematurely evacuated from the election and threw their support to Progress.

Hopefully those ten freshmen that ran home to

beat off to the Assvocate campaign workers in the communal showers are happy with themselves. Because Assvocates already has the telltale signs of providing the same stellar results we’ve seen from past administrations: an election scandal, half-baked ideas, and an inflated sense of self-satisfaction and deservedness.

But at least they have qualities (however despicable they may be) to point to, unlike the apathetic husks of humanity referred to as “students” who roam the throughways of UB wearing clueless expressions. Have fun when Three Doors Down opens for Eagle-Eye Cherry at Fall Fest ’06, a day on which those of you who couldn’t be troubled to vote will undoubtedly pause between bong hits to bitch about the current administration (and there will be more than ten of you who do so).

That seems to be what UB students are most adept at: bitching. Not caring, mind you, just making unfounded demands in that same whiny voice that echoes endlessly through the halls of NSC discussing how that bar last night like, totally sucked. But change can be, like, soooooo hard! Is it even possible for college students, in attendance at an institution of higher learning, to juggle the intricate, nearly identical bullet points of not one, but two political parties?

That was the extent of the duty most UB voters saw themselves tasked with. But on the third day, from across the sunlit field adjacent to the CFA, two warriors turned the corner at Slee Hall and walked deliberately towards the Union to make a stand. It would be a stand against injustice, against tyranny, and against the stifling conventions that had suffocated the enthusiasm of voters.

Charles “Lichen” Wiff and Ryan “Moss” Yaeger exploded onto campus Thursday, sporting pinstripes with sandals and an elaborate “Master Shake” costume, respectively, to rally support for their Have Your SAy presidential/vice presidential ticket. Their dire mission, stated for all to see upon a massive, neon orange sign: to “Shake Things Up.”

And if Have Your SAy did nothing else that day, they put smiles on faces that were scowling from repeated assaults by trained teams of gang rapists the two major parties had placed in the Student Union to secure votes. Their strategy was unique: they actually talked to people.

Vice presidential hopeful Charles Wiff fielded questions from UB students enjoying the rare sunshine, many of whom expressed discontent with the current election system and favor with the Have Your SAy platform. Presidential candidate Moss did the same between frequently requested photo opportunities. The delegates relied on the spoken word, refusing to hand out flyers after viewing the aftermath of just one day of active campaigning by Assvocates and Progress. The party didn’t see any need to add to the already formidable task UB janitors faced.

It took less than 15 minutes for the proponents of peace and justice to be assaulted by neon green-clad representatives of the Progress party looking for defectors. Unlike the executive candidates from UB Evolved, however, Moss and Wiff held their ground and their platform, even when Progress attempted to tie their balloons to Moss’ massive straw. It would take more than ribbons and helium to bring down the bearded crusaders.

Wishing to leave themselves unaffiliated with the Roman orgy-like scene at the Student Union, Have Your SAy campaigned all over campus from Baird Point to the Math Building (the most cleverly named of all UB structures). The sight of a giant milkshake chasing a Frisbee across the lawns of North Campus surely struck fear into the hearts of the Big two parties, who remained rigidly fixed near the Union as if attached by invisible tether.

At the close of the day, The Have Your SAy party lost by a considerable margin (mustering only 111 votes to challenge Assvocates’ 1,017). They made have had zero experience, a late start on campaigning, and the collective drive of a stoned box turtle, but their attempt to “shake things up” was a rousing success.

For Progress, Ralph Nader came in two varieties last week: regular and extra-thick.