Eds. Note: Sir Winston Churchill’s name and likeness have been adopted simply as an attempt at absurdist humor in honor of April Fool’s Day, as is the notion that the editorial was written by Mr. Churchill’s ghost and the idea that he is still prime minister or that his soul resides in Elysium instead of Heaven, or that he has a soul at all—never having met the man, we can’t speak to his spirituality. We apologize to any readers who got the wrong impression.
Regarding the question of invasion, there has, I will observe, never been a period in the long century and a half or so of which we boast when an absolute guarantee against invasion, still less against serious raids, could have been given to our campus.
Eds. Note: The preceding paragraph was, with few exceptions, a direct quote from Sir Winston Churchill’s June 4, 1940 speech on the British retreat from Flanders. I mean, he didn’t say campus. We made that part up. But the rest is pretty much straight copied. Good speech, too, you should check it out.
The violence that scarred our campus over the recent months has pitted professors against students, administrators against staff, brother against brother. Our enemies advance to the farthest reaches of our territory on North Campus, and yet we find there is still room for the soft rays of hope to grace our wearied hearts.
Eds. Note: Okay, that one was ours. Pretty sweet, too, right? The asyndetic list of conflicts tied together with the preposition “against.” The evocation of the American Civil War with “brother against brother.” Dope as it is, we feel it necessary to note that we didn’t invent the idea of war between fellow countrymen. We apologize to Michael Shaara, Elizabeth Massie, Shakespeare, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Todd Natti, Dr. Dre, et al for any appearance of borrowed material.
We also apologize to anyone who saw our cover and got scared. There isn’t really a civil war going on at the University at Buffalo. Any resemblance to the actual daily course of events at UB is entirely accidental.
We shall defend our campus whatever the cost may be; we shall fight them in The Commons, The Spine, the dorms, and academic buildings. We...
Eds. Note: Okay, we just remembered something. Some of the names we use throughout the issue are real people and some of the events do resemble actual UB events, and we totally meant to do it. Our bad. Ignore that last note. Except for the parts that absolve us from civil litigation or academic plagiarism charges—those are still cool.
...shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end.
Eds. Note: SORRY, sorry, sorry; forgot my pen. Just pretend like I’m not even here.
And though UB and her glory may last ten thousand years, let it be said that this was her finest hour. This southern aggression will not stand. We will not go dying into the night, we will prevail, we will blitz all night, we will make sure that they remember that this is our Independence Day...um...and though they may take our lives, they can never take...er...our time, our house...no, let’s see here...once more into the breach? No, that can’t be right. Two Jews walk into a bar...damn! Who’s been screwing with the teleprompter? Oh, sod it.
Eh...where was I? Right. Don’t mix drugs.
Best,
WC
