To Whom It May Concern:

It has come to my attention that you have made an unauthorized use of my copyrighted work, Generation (herein referred to as “the Work”) in the preparation of a work derived therefrom. I have reserved all rights to the Work, first published in 33 A.D. (copyrighted in the same year). Your work, also entitled Generation, is essentially identical to the Work and clearly used the Work as its basis for brainwashing guiding young minds.

As you neither asked for nor received permission to use the Work as the basis for your perverse magazine nor to make or distribute copies, including electronic copies of same, I believe you have willfully infringed upon my rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein, not including your unpleasant and permanent residence in Hell.

To atone, I demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing publications derived from the Work, and all copies (including electronic copies) of same, that you deliver to me, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies of same, or destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of my constitutionally-protected rights in the future. If I have not received an affirmative response from you by April 30, indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall be forced to take further action against your organization.

Very truly yours,

Jesus Waters Ministry

newgeneration.com (or Google: generation)

Dear Jesus Waters,

Uhh...wrong address.

Bye,

Gen-Gen

A Letter to my Unknown ACE Advisor:

I’m getting desperate. Each day, I wake up and know that my last day here is rapidly approaching and there’s no way to stop it. Plus, I have checkstops and can’t find the Student Response Center.

I’m 5’9” with brown hair and nails bitten down to the nub. My clothes are stained and reek of smoke and beer as stale and broken as my tattered soul. I long for the love of a true believer. Skills with MyUB are, however, a plus.

True, my GPA has suffered recently, but don’t feel bad; it’s not you, it’s me. Though our time together was fleeting and limited to the time before you quit during my freshman year, I always found you to exlemplify “advice” (barring the time, unbeknownst to me, I was registered into UB101).

Where can I find you? Will anyone ever truly fill the deep impression you have left on my life? What does ACE stand for?

Awaiting you, I remain, your

Peter L. Scheck

Pulse Editor

An Open Letter to Those Who Would be Offended by This Week’s Magazine:

So here’s the deal folks; this week Generation has put together our annual April Fool’s Day issue. As you would imagine, the think tank here at the magazine—read as: liberal circle jerk of disaffected English majors—spent a long time putting this issue together—read as: spent literally hours sitting in a room bouncing bad dick jokes around—so we’d just like to take a moment to let you in on the joke.

We’ve run the gamut of publishing everything from fictional stories about new UB policies to a satirical jab at pro-life propaganda to humorous news briefs to coverage of UB’s very own fake civil war.

Some of this issue may make you laugh, some of it may make you cringe, and some of it may even piss you off. But before you fly off the handle and start submitting irate personals—which, by the way, see page 23 about that—we just ask you to have a little perspective.

In light of the recent “cartoon controversy” it’s important to remember that a joke is still a joke. So buck up kids, it’s April Fool’s Day.

Best,

Christopher Ahearn

Editor in Chief