“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: My boyfriend has been really pressuring me to have sex with him lately. I’m a freshman and I don’t think I’m ready for it, but he says he wants me to lose my virginity to him. I love him. What should I do?

AM: Quit your bitching and spread your legs, you pathetic, prude cocktease. The only way your boyfriend will stay with you is if you let him ream you like a bunny rabbit. He will come prematurely and you’ll be left lying in bed unfulfilled, wondering whether you should have wasted something as special as your virginity like that. Then you will realize you are a whore like the rest of the sluts on this campus, guzzling a combination of 60 percent cummy, 30 percent cheap keg beer, and ten percent a mixture of your own blood and urine for the next three years.

C: You have a right to say no, whether you love your boyfriend or not. If you don’t want to have sex, then you need to firmly tell him this and ask him to stop pressuring you. If you do decide to go ahead and have sex with him, you should make sure that you both get tested for STDs beforehand, and always wear a condom during. And remember, just because you’ve had sex once doesn’t mean you have to do it again. If you decide afterwards that you’re still not ready, you still have the right to say no.

Q: I’ve got this problem, ya see. All I wanna do is come home and watch my CSI, drink my beer, and go to bed, but this bitch keeps coming in my house and yelling at me to do some chores and asking me to go down on her and, like, making dinner and shit. Why can’t I hit her?

AM: Why can’t you hit her? Are your arms broken?

C: First off, domestic abuse never solves anything. Not only is it illegal, but it’s extremely disrespectful to your girlfriend. She deserves better than that. Second, it’s not fair for her to do all of the chores, you guys should be sharing the housekeeping responsibilities. And finally, your girlfriend should not be pressuring you to perform cunnilingus on her. What you feel comfortable with in the bedroom is your personal choice and she should respect that. But remember, it’s rather impolite to expect her to fellate you if you’re not going to reciprocate.

Q: So, um, my school has this awesome student publication that comes out once a week with brilliant features stories, entertaining fiction, and informative reviews, but somehow I can only find time in my busy schedule to read the personals and advice column. Can you shoot me?

AM: Why don’t you drop by the office? I’ll let you blow a line of coke off my ass before I put my mothafuckin’ fist through your skull.

C: Try reading the other sections. There’s a lot more to life than dirty jokes and seeing the word “fuck” in print.

Q: There’s this girl in my class that I really like, but I just can’t gather enough courage to talk to her. What should I do?

AM: First, you’ll want to take a peek down your pants. Balls still there? Good. Then, walk up to her (with the image of your balls in your mind) and ask her out like a normal human being. Or you could run to the Cybrary immediately after class and hump your pocket while looking at her Facebook profile.

C: Make sure you’re calm and collected before your next class and take a seat next to her. Then try to strike up some small talk. Ask her for clarification on the lecture or if you can take a peek at her notes after class. Be respectful, though—don’t distract her to the point where she can’t pay attention to the professor. Do this for a few classes, and by then you should have worked up the courage to talk with her a bit after class. After that, the ball’s in your court.

Q: 4/20’s coming up. How should I prepare?

AM: Buy an eighth, break it up, add some tobacco, roll it up; repeat until bag empty. Having an arsenal of spliffs in your pocket will help you stay hi-i-i-i-i-i-igh all day.

C: April 20 falls on a Thursday this year, so you should really be worrying about your classes rather than a fake holiday. But if you do decide to partake in the marijuana smoking, just make sure that you’re not going to be operating a motor vehicle while inebriated.