“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: My girlfriend has been complaining that when we have sex it isn’t passionate enough? I like to hit it dirty and hard, kinda like a porno. What do you recommend I do?

AM: Perhaps you aren’t being responsive to her emotional needs. Stop acting so “dirty and hard” and make love to your girlfriend. You should talk to her and find out exactly what she thinks is lacking in your sex life.

C: Little known fact: when your girlfriend says the sex “isn’t passionate enough,” what she really means is that you are hung like a toddler and tend to finish up before she’s even started. Despite what you may have learned from DC++, screwing your girlfriend from behind like some kind of rabid poodle does not constitute a fun time for all. The way I see it, you have one of two options: you can accept your obvious, er… shortcomings and become a priest, or you can start doing tongue push-ups and try to salvage what little potential may be left in your pitiable sex life.

Q: My roommate recently found out he has athlete’s foot. I’m scared to share the shower with him. What preventative measures can I take?

AM: Athlete’s foot is caused by a fungus and is highly contagious. You can get it by touching the infected area on someone or by walking barefoot in a locker room or bathroom. Keeping your feet clean and dry is a good way to prevent infection. You could use some talcum powder on your feet when you get out of the shower and make sure you wear socks without shoes when indoors. As long as you wear your shower sandals when you bathe, you should be free and clear. As a side note, you may want to mention to your roommate that he should put on his socks before his underwear—this will prevent risk of the fungus spreading to the genital area and causing jock itch.

C: Well, Jesus Christ man, a fungus should be the least of your worries. If you guys are hitting that shit bareback when you “share the shower,” you’re going to wind up catching something much worse. Trust me, bro; gonorrhea is no joke. But as far as athlete’s foot goes, go to Target and buy some flip-flops like a normal person. I mean, what they hell are you teaching you kids nowadays? Those things were like standard issue when I was a freshman.

Q: There was a tinfoil man running through Ellicott the other night, and I think I am in love with him. How can I get him to notice my non-oven friendly skin? Can tinfoil men even have sex?

AM: I’m not really sure what you’re talking about.

C: I dunno, that’s a pretty fucked up fetish if you ask me. I guess you could come up with some kind of clever pickup line. You guys have got some kind of kitchen theme going on here, so why not something to do with a little “Stove Top stuffing?” Or maybe I’m reading this wrong and this is a Wizard of Oz thing. In that case you can just get naked and ask to oil him down. And as for the sex, here’s a tip: tell him to take the fucking tinfoil off his wang. God, you LARPers make me sick.

Q: My roommate’s a real dick. When I get out of class, I just want to relax and play Counterstrike, but he’s always calling me a loser and making fun of me for not going out and getting drunk on the weekends. What’s worse is he brings random girls back to have sex with while I’m in the room just to spite me. How can I get back at him?

AM: Well, you shouldn’t be looking for revenge. The responsible thing to do would be to talk it over with him. It’s not fair for him to treat you like that, and you should stick up for yourself. If he doesn’t listen to what you have to say, you can go talk to your Resident Advisor. She or he will help you two to come to a conclusion. If all else fails, you only have less than a month left—if you’ve dealt with it this long, you can deal with it that much longer.

C: Well, judging from your question, you lead an exciting lifestyle of Internet gaming and anime appreciation, so I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that your hard drive is home to a massive collection of pr0n, no? So, here’s what you’re going to do: grab one of your roommate’s hygiene products from his shower stash—shampoo, liquid soap, gel deodorant, toothpaste—it doesn’t really matter, as long as he uses it on a regular basis. Then, watch whichever fucked up dragon lady hentai video it is that gets your rocks off, and rub one out into the aforementioned hygiene product. You’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that he’s cleansing himself in your cum for the rest of the semester.