TOP FIVE REASONS TO GO COMMANDO
by Amanda Lerman
5. No wedgies.
Ever get this incredible wedgie so far up your bottom you wonder how on Earth that could ever happen? All you can think about following this issue is when you’ll be able to solve this problem where no one can see you. Oh the nightmare…
4. Easy access.
Everyone needs a little “something something” every now and then. This just saves time and makes not only your sex drive burst through the wall,but gets things rolling right along with your “romantic” experience.
3. Save on laundry detergent and the
time you spend having to do laundry.
The need to wear underwear everyday is a prime factor which causes your laundry basket to topple over with dirty clothes. Why not just eliminate underwear and not need to wash your clothes so often?
2. One less thing to lose when you’re
drunk.
Ever have one of those nights? Yeah, I think you all understand.
1. Save money.
Those sexy Victoria Secret outfits and excuses for underwear are quite expensive for how little material they have to offer. I do believe they are quite cute, yet, I’d rather save my $20 for something else more useful.
TOP FIVE ENDINGS TO SNAKES ON A PLANE
by Peter Scheck & Christopher Ahearn
5. Samuel L. Jackson defeats the last snake, but the pilot of the plane is mortally wounded in the process. Jackson hops into the cockpit and crash-lands the plane into the ocean. He eventually finds his wife in the wreckage, floating atop an emergency exit door. They sit in the frigid waters, steamy breath pouring from their mouths, when Jackson’s wife tells him that she loves him. Jackson replies, “Don’t do that, motherfucker. Don’t say your goodbyes.” “I’m so cold,” she says. “Listen, bitch. You’re gonna get the fuck out of here, you’re gonna die an old motherfuckin’ lady warm in your fuckin’ bed, but not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me, bitch? Don’t you ever fuckin’ let go. Never let go, motherfucker.” And then water snakes appear and drag Jackson down to a deep, murky death. End scene. Credits roll to an instrumental version of the latest Celine Dion opus.
4. A meek, gimpy Samuel L. Jackson sits in a police station recounting his ordeal on the plane, telling a story of the wide-reaching and convoluted conspiracy with one man at its top—Keyser Soze. In the final scene, the camera follows Jackson as he limps out of the station. As he rounds the block, his pace quickens and the limp disappears, revealing to the audience that he is the one who put the snakes on the plane. End scene. Roll credits.
3. After disarming the snakes and getting off the plane, it is revealed that Samuel L. Jackson had been on the flight en route to stop his estranged ex-girlfriend’s wedding. He rushes to the chapel only to find that the ceremony has already started. He bursts in, grabs her, and they hop onto a city bus and flee the wedding—only to find out moments later that there are snakes on the bus that will be unleashed on the passengers if it goes lower than 55 mph. End scene. Credits roll. Sequel to come.
2. After an apocalyptically intense battle with the snakes, Samuel L. Jackson sneaks down to the cargo hold for a smoke. Believing that he has vanquished all of his reptilian adversaries, he is shocked by a surprise attack by one final enemy—a giant anaconda. After a struggle, Jackson subdues the snake, draws his weapon, and points it squarely between the snake’s eyes saying, “And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy by brothers. And you will know m name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” The camera shows Jackson from behind, there is a flash of light and the sound of a gunshot before the screen goes black. End scene. Credits roll.
1. Immediately after stepping off the plane and onto the tarmac, a frazzled Samuel L. Jackson is congratulated by the adoring press and then taken into custody by the American Humane Society. A long and embittered trial ensues, and in the film’s pivotal final scene, he takes the stand. The prosecuting attorney pointedly asks him if it was okay to kill the snakes. The camera pans to a close shot of Jackson’s face. With fire in his eyes, he replies with righteous indignation, “Yes, those snakes deserved to die, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL.” End scene. Credits roll. Oscar nominations to come.
TOP FIVE END OF THE YEAR PARTY THEMES
by Daniele Hauptman
5. “We’re all strung out on Adderall”
Like any typical college student, you’ve probably given up on caffeine-fueled all-nighters long ago. Kids these days use their friends of friends’ prescription attention medication, taken orally or nasally, to stay focused for days without sleep. Embrace your Adderall addiction by throwing a raging, huge mega-party, where you can listen to your favorite house and techno music while doing lines of crushed up meds off the kids who finally succumbed to exhaustion and got naked.
4. “Drop a couple pounds”
Juelz Santana’s parody of the Snoop Dogg song “Drop it Like it’s Hot” is the perfect anthem for your pre-summer shindig. Play some Dance Dance Revolution. Put on some MIA and shake it till you drop. Drink bottles of Bacardi and Diet Coke and Sparks Light. The party should last for about two weeks. By the end, those extra pounds you gained from eating ten chicken finger pizzas and a questionable amount of Doritos throughout your 4/20 celebrations will be virtually undetectable. If all else fails, half your guests will be sure to get alcohol-induced bulimia. This party will help you look extra hot for the Speedo-clad men on Rockaway Beach.
3. “Brokeback Mountain”
When you need to relieve all that stress from cramming for finals and pulling all-nighters for papers, get some ass by making your own version of Brokeback Mountain. Decorate your house with lots of tall grass, hay, and numerous leather tents. Invite all your friends over and make them dress like rhinestone cowboys. Get them all trashed on cheap whiskey and see where the night takes you. A pointer: in a private tent on a fake secluded peak, it’s never offensive to suggest anal sex. But remember, what happens on the mountain stays on the mountain.
2. “Beat It”
When you’re really sleep-deprived, anything can be hilariously entertaining. Invite people over and tell them all to dress like flamboyant ‘80s gang members. Spray a can of cooking oil on your kitchen floor and have all your guests moonwalk to Michael Jackson. Not getting any ass? Drive over to the nearest playground to pick up little boys and take them back to the “Neverland Ranch.” If all else fails, kick everyone out, and beat it.
1. “Trapped in the Closet”
The dress code should consist of highway cops, two-timing club sluts, working-class midgets, golden-shower-lovin’ thugs, and—of course—a horde of horny hood rats. As a middle school flashback, have all your guests play Seven Minutes in Heaven. Put on the R. Kelly Closet DVD, and serve Berretta-shaped cookies. And remember, after the show, it’s the after party, and after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, so go there and get entangled in a ten-person love triangle. After you help some slut cheat on his or her significant other, leave your used rubbers under their bed covers. Remember, everyone knows the feeling of waking up in another bed, not knowing how they got there or what happened. Think of the used condom as a reminder for whoever finds it. And before you go to sleep, silence your cell phone. Not only is it trashy to have your phone ring during a hookup, it’s also an easy way to get caught while you’re hiding.
TOP FIVE THINGS TO DO IN GLASGOW, SCOTLAND
by Erin McCarthy
5. The West End
Glasgow’s West End is the epitome of picturesque Europe. During the day, there are tons of vintage clothing, record, and book stores, as well as neat boutiques, museums, and art galleries all within walking distance of one another. By evening, people swarm to the hip bars that are hidden off of tiny, cobblestone side streets. In the summer, the West End festival takes place where free concerts by groups like Belle and Sebastian happen in the Botanical Gardens, a stunning park full of space to bask in the sun and see rare, strange plants.
4. The Barras
If you’ve ever been out to the weekend flea market near the Galleria, multiply that place’s sketchiness and size by a hundred and you have the Barras. This place is full of everything you can imagine. Even though you feel like you’ve helped fund something illegal when you’ve made a purchase, you’ve also witnessed a fun, staple of Glasgow life.
3. The Ben Nevis Bar
Okay, so you say you dig “Celtic music,” but you’ve seen nothing until you’ve been to a music session at the Ben Nevis Bar on Argyll Street. On Wednesday nights, between 50 to 80 people cramp into this small, old man’s pub to listen to some of the hottest, young Scottish traditional musicians play improvisational sets for nothing more than a few pints. The beer is inexpensive and the music is free. If you do play an instrument, you’re welcome to join in, but you’d better be great because their playing is as wild and fast as your average freshman’s first semester.
2. The Subclub
On Jamaica Street, in the heart of the city, there is a tiny, little basement club where some of the best DJs have been known to spin on a regular basis. The world of pop music is drowned in sets that might include everything from the Who’s “Baba O’Reilly” to Daft Punk’s “Steam Machine.” The combination of a kick ass atmosphere, cool people, and a throbbing sound system makes this the best place to party until the wee hours of the morning.
1. Celtic Connections
Celtic Connections is the largest winter music festival in the world. Over a three-week period in January, concerts are held throughout the city showcasing different forms of traditional music. Many musicians such as Shane McGowan, Dr. John, Afro Celt Sound System, and Joan Baez perform annually. The real treat, however, is watching all of the young artists from around the globe play brilliant, fresh material that is heavily influenced by both older traditional forms, such as Celtic, bluegrass, and blues and more contemporary material, like rock, electronic, and jazz. You won’t sleep for three weeks, but you’ll hear such incredible stuff that it is totally worth losing a few brain cells over.
TOP FIVE THINGS TO DO IF YOU ARE STUCK IN BUFFALO THIS SUMMER
by Susy Kim
5) If you like animals, visit the Buffalo Zoo.
The place is pretty small, but they still have some cute animals. You can even feed the giraffe for a small fee!
4) Get to really know your city of Buffalo.
It is pretty difficult to fully explore the city during the academic year since our free time is limited. Make some trips to downtown during the day for once and see how different the place looks with the sun (Thursday at the Square).
3) Be a kid again!
There are many G-rated activities that you can still do to have fun. You can try laser tagging and go-karting at Lasertron which is located only about seven minutes away from the University at Buffalo. Go-karts are perfect for summer since the track is located outdoors. You will have a blast bumping into other karts and driving like a maniac.
2) Take advantage of your friends with pools.
Many apartment complexes off-campus offer public pool areas for their residents. Gather your friends and have pool parties or BBQs. Since there are less people in Buffalo during the summer, it is a great way to truly get to know your friends.
1) Go to Cedar Point!
Although Cedar Point is located about five hours west of Buffalo, it is definitely worth the trip. The place is so big that they even provide an on-site resort, making it easier for visitors to enjoy the entire park. Cedar Point consists of about 15 roller coasters, one of them being the highest in the country. So, instead of visiting Darien Lake, make some time to take a road trip to Ohio with some friends.
