Q: My friend and I got into a heated argument last week. We couldn’t decide who would win in a fight: Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer. Punches were thrown, and in the end I received 14 stitches and my friend broke his ring finger. Can you help us?
AM: You and your friend should really look into visiting the Counseling Center over in Richmond Quad in Ellicott. Your reactions and injuries lead me to believe you both have anger management problems. Sometimes anger stems from fear, denial, and ignorance. Next time you feel angry, think about the situation and reevaluate how you really feel. Things won’t always go the way you want them to, but you need to learn to accept this. Some things won’t change, and the sooner you realize it, the less angry you’ll be.
C: Interesting question. I mean, what does one base their assessment on? Physical prowess in the martial arts? Dexterity with firearms? Ability to look more rugged? Screen time in The Lost Boys? No wait—I’ve got it. You should base it on the fact that Keifer Sutherland isn’t at the center of a painfully unfunny and annoying Internet circle-jerk.
Q: I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. Do you have any suggestions to help me get to sleep easier?
AM: Lots of people experience temporary insomnia lasting from a few days to a month. It can be caused by stress, depression, anxiety, stimulants like cigarettes and coffee, alcoholism, lack of physical activity, pain, or an underlying illness. Watching TV, playing video games, or doing homework while you’re in bed can also distract you from falling asleep when you close your eyes—try to keep the place where you sleep separate from the places you use to live the rest of your life. And remember how well you slept after Field Day in elementary school? Adding some exercise to your regular routine will help you fall asleep. Another cause of insomnia is an irregular bedtime routine. By going to sleep and waking up around the same time every day, your body will get itself on a sleeping schedule.
C: Beer?
Q: I’ve been “kinda” seeing a boy for a while, and this past weekend, he hooked up with some bitch with a real dental problem. Not to mention, her eyebrows are unbearable. How do I choke a bitch?
AM: You shouldn’t get yourself all worked up about it. The guy you’ve been seeing isn’t trustworthy, and his actions say he doesn’t want a relationship. Forget him and let him hook up with the ugly girl—they deserve each other.
C: So, you’re single now?
Q: I like this girl. We have been hanging out for about three months, and recently I found out that she also likes me. However, there are only two weeks left in the semester. She is a graduate student (about three years older) and I am an undergraduate; we are both graduating this semester. After graduation, we will both go separate ways. So, my question is: is it worth starting a relationship knowing that there is only short time available for both of us and that both will be going to different ways, or should I just be friends with her and let this opportunity go? What would you recommend I do?
AM: Well, you said it yourself—you’re going separate ways. Enjoy the time you have left with her. A long-distance relationship will be more trouble than it’s worth. For the time you’ll be apart, you’ll both miss each other terribly. Then, what little time you have together will be spent catching up—physically and emotionally. You should take her out, cook her dinner, and don’t forget to take lots of pictures. This way, when you’re 35 with two kids, you can look at them and reminisce about your college romance.
C: Oh man. Oh man. Oh. Man. You, my friend, have hit the relationship jackpot. All of the best aspects of dating happen within the first few weeks—the rosy-cheeked infatuation, the innocent flirtation, the stolen kisses, the awkward yet passionate sex, and the fact that you can be around her for a period longer than 30 minutes without wanting to scream, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND STOP SMOTHERING ME, YOU OVERBEARING BITCH,” at the top of your lungs. So, yeah man, you should totally go for it.
