Leslie Fluri

Ms. Fluri, former Ad Manager at Generation, was found dead in her parent’s house after an apparent suicide. While her death came as a shock to friends and family, authorities believe that it was a result of her impending move to Long Island after graduation. Her brief suicide note seemed to support this, saying only, “I’d rather be dead than wear Uggs.”

Michael “Torque” Torsell

After years of abstinence from the bottle, Mr. Torsell, former contributing editor at Generation, died this past week from acute alcohol poisoning after having drank two bottles of Smirnoff Ice. He is survived by his girlfriend, his parents, and a sizeable anime collection. A wake is being held for him on Tuesday in 315 Student Union, where, as stipulated in his will, The Smith’s “This Charming Man” will be played on repeat throughout the proceedings.

Morgan Grant

Ms. Grant, former Business Manager of Generation, finally succumbed to injuries sustained in a car accident which occurred on her way to her newest performance art installation, “Girl In KY Jelly Inserting Diaphragm, Holding Plunger.” With her last dying gasp in the hospital, she is reported to have said, “At least I outlived Torque. Again.”

Christopher Ahearn

On an uncharacteristic outing to The Steer with several staff members this past Thursday, Mr. Ahearn, former editor in chief of Generation, was stabbed to death by a Long Island girl wielding a makeshift shiv. In an ironic twist, the brutal attack is reported to have been connected with an angry letter from a JAP to Mr. Ahearn published in the magazine earlier this semester—a letter that he had in fact ghostwritten. He is survived by his illegitimate son, editor in chief elect of Generation, Peter Scheck.

Jacob Drum

Mr. Drum’s death has yet to be confirmed by authorities, however he is assumed dead after having been missing for three weeks. When last seen, he told his roommate that he was, “Just going out for a drink or two.” Police found the mutilated body of a Caucasian male in a trash can in the alley behind Vino Lounge with the phrase, “Now Who’s Fucking Moby?” etched into its chest, but the identity remains unclear. The former associate editor of Generation is survived by his cat, Ellie Mae, and his loving but disappointed parents. A memorial service will be held for him at Anacone’s Inn next week.

Cuong Nguyen

Mr. Nguyen was killed in a freak gymnastics accident over the weekend as he apparently ran full speed into a pommel horse, instantly crushing his skull. The former photo editor for Generation is missed by his family, his fellow editors, and the legions of ignorant Americans who so enjoyed trying to pronounce his name.