“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: I’m a freshman, and my one roommate listens to his music really loud all the time. I don’t really mind the kind of music he listens to, but sometimes I would like some quiet time to study. What should I do?

AM: Just tell him that you can’t study with music on and that you would like a couple hours every night to do your homework. If you explain yourself rather than attack him for listening to loud music all the time, he should respect you. If it doesn’t work out, you can talk to your RA about it and she or he will help you with some other strategies. If all else fails, you can set up a meeting with your RA and roommates to talk it over.

C: OK, listen up. The only way to deal with an asshole roommate is to out-asshole them. First of all, ditch that study time, you’ll be too busy silencing your living mate. Then purchase a bevy of annoying ‘80s disco music (the worst kind) and set up a ten-hour playlist. Turn it up and lock your computer right before your roommate gets home, then split. Go to the bar and get wasted, returning with the fattest girl you can find. Have sweaty, loud sex with her—it’s a little known fact that fat chicks are 46 percent louder than their more attractive brethren. Then kick her to the curb as soon as you unload in her hair, which will result in a long, even louder argument. Don’t forget to stop and throw up in your roommate’s shoes before you turn in. You should have a single in no time.

P: My freshman year roommate and I stole a piano from Richmond, pushed it through the orange B.O. tunnel, threw it in an elevator and had concerts in our room on the eighth floor of Spaulding for the year. Fuck, I didn’t even play it, really. I just banged on it and cursed a lot. He played Counterstrike a whole lot and we drank a lot of soda. So, I guess things kind of worked out. Even though I hated this fucking school. I hope that helps.

Q: I’m new on campus. A lot of the food I’ve bought has been over-priced and not so fresh. Where should I eat on campus?

AM: You won’t escape the fact that food here is over-priced, but you don’t need to eat day-old popcorn chicken every day. Pistachio’s is a good place to start; it’s located above Putnam’s on the second floor of the Union. My personal favorite place to eat is Bert’s Kosher Deli in Talbert Hall. Also, don’t forget about the little shops over in Ellicott, which are often overlooked by those who don’t live there.

C: Figuring out where to grab a bite on campus can be quite a pickle. Ha ha. Bert’s always closes 15 minutes before you get there, and you have to sign away your first born for a plate of pasta at Pistachio’s. Come to think of it, just stay home and eat Cheetos instead of going to class.

P: I eat popcorn chicken every day. What’s the problem?

Q: My roommates are really excited about pledging a sorority and want me to the parties go with them, but I don’t want to. What are some good excuses I could use?

AM: Don’t make up excuses. If you don’t want to go to those parties with them, just tell them that you don’t want to go. Just because they’re your roommates doesn’t mean they have to be your friends. Join a club that interests you, and through that you’ll make better friends and also have something to do instead of going to frat parties.

C: Why wouldn’t you want to go to a frat party? The sights! The sounds! The flat beer and dirt weed! It’s Carnivál! A good rule of thumb for mysterious parties is to think about how many people you see every day who are assholes. Then multiply by 1.5, since alcohol tends to bring out the worst more often than it brings out the best. Then you can stay home and eat Cheetos again instead of going to the frat party.

P: You only get to contract HPV once—for each strain. Collect ‘em all!

Q: I’m having trouble parking on campus. Which are the best lots to park in?

AM: I can’t say. If I did, everyone would try to park there, and it wouldn’t be a good place to park anymore. Try parking in different lots at different times. Just be courteous, take a deep breath, and drive slowly. You’ll find a spot.

C: Give up and go home, I’ve been looking all week. I’m actually phoning this article in.

P: Spots marked for A permits. You have “a” permit, right? The sweet part about campus parking is how you don’t have to obey laws. They won’t tow your car, and if they give you a checkstop, stop on over to Parking and Transportation and donkey punch the reception guy. Be sure to tell ‘em Chris Ahearn sent you.