“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: My roommates and I were thinking about adopting a dog. We have pretty busy schedules and my mom says it’s a bad idea. Should we get one anyway?

AM: Adopting a dog is a huge responsibility. I agree with your mom—if you don’t have the time to commit to a dog, you should not adopt one. Dogs need lots of attention, and you need to take them for walks throughout the day. It would be cruel to deny your pet the exercise it needs. Also, dogs are expensive. You need to buy food and toys, and vet bills can run pretty high.

P: I had a dog named Cody who has since relocated to the sunny backyards of Westchester. I got him when I was a sophomore. This would be easy, I thought, after all, I was 19. I could probably have a baby if I wanted to, and this looked much better. Anyway, long story short, the dog peed all over all my stuff. He peed in my bed. He peed in my clothes. He ate most of my living room. One time while we were watching a movie, he peed on the VCR. If you want someone to pee on your stuff and scare your friends, save some money and get Jimmy from outside Wilson Farms to live with you. At least your friends won’t think you’re crazy if you let him run away.

Q: I’m going to find Bucky Phillips and then I’m going to kill him. I understand that’s not really a question. Just FYI. Oh, here’s a question. Your magazine sucks. Fuck you.

AM: Thanks for the feedback.

P: Okay. Everybody thought Bucky Phillips was the man like a month ago. This guy was a hero, I mean he stole all that money. “Get money,” right—that’s the idea. Then he started killing cops and everybody had to stop wearing the t-shirts. Man, talk about betrayal, huh? Fucking stupid Western New Yorkers. (Apologies to Jake Drum).

Q: I’m afraid of gaining the freshman fifteen. How should I go about avoiding it?

AM: Make better decisions when you’re choosing your meals, opting for fruits and veggies instead of fatty, fried foods. Don’t just go to the vending machine when you’re hungry for a snack. Instead, try bringing a baggie of baby carrots or a banana with you when you’re on campus. You also may want to consider joining an athletic club. UB offers clubs like rugby, step troop, ice hockey, and cycling. And, obviously, walk instead of taking the bus around campus.

P: Stop eating. If that’s what you’re worried about, college is going to be a fucking nightmare.

Q: Dear Abby, A lot of my friends have a whole lot of tattoos. I always thought arm tattoos make people look like burn victims, but lately I’ve been rethinking my stance. They always get dope pussy. What tattoos get the most pussy?

AM: First off, my name is Annie, not Abby. Don’t get a tattoo just because your friends have them. And although your theory is clever, there are no specific tattoos that have been proven to help someone obtain more sexual relations.

P: I once knew a guy with tattoos of Muppets playing in a metal band on his arm. He also had a tattoo of a huge American flag like you would see outside a car dealership. So yeah, I think you should have a little something to drink, maybe a little Whisky, hop on down to Renaissance Tattoos and think of some terrible part of your childhood to tattoo on your arm. Don’t think about it for too long or you might wimp out. Seriously, tattoos are for people who are individualistic and creative, that’s why they wear their ideas on their sleeves. That’s a funny pun.

Q: My roommate recently picked up smoking. She said that as long as you don’t inhale, you can’t get cancer. Is that true?

AM: It’s totally false. No matter what, when smoke hits your mouth, it is doing harm. Smokers that don’t inhale are at greater risk for developing lip, mouth, and tongue cancers. They are also inadvertently inhaling smoke into their lungs through the second-hand smoke. Keep in mind that cigarettes also contain cyanide, formaldehyde, methanol, and ammonia, and carry nitrogen oxide and carbon monoxide to your lungs.

P: Remember when smoking ads were on billboards and in your favorite magazines? People think those ads had some kind of effect on kids, like they wanted to be a part of their group. Seriously, though, did you ever see a giant camel playing pool with his fucking hoofs and think, “Holy shit, I’ve got to start smoking and get down with that crowd.” Or, “Look at those thirty-somethings playing volleyball on the beach drinking cheap beer and smoking Kool Menthols. How can I be more like them?”